


Repeat

by Saritababo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Baekhyun is supportive, Chanyeol needs help, Dark, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, THIS STORY IS NOT JUST CUTE AND HAPPY, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 14:50:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19175545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saritababo/pseuds/Saritababo
Summary: Park Chanyeol. Tall. Handsome. He had everything. Everything he could have ever wished for. So, why could he not be truly happy. Why would he always feel this void in his heart. All these smiles, for nothing. He does not think he could ever be saved. He does not think this cute guy sitting in front of him in class could make a difference. His mind was already set.





	Repeat

**Author's Note:**

> Hello There !  
> I decided to post a few of my Chanbaek/Baekyeol fanfics that I wrote on AFF. This one is a Oneshot I wrote after Jonghyun from SHINee passed away. Just so you know, my boyfriend could not read it because I used a lot of my own experience to describe Chanyeol's depression, and I think he just could not take the description of the pain and everything I talk about in this one.  
> Please read with caution. I did use the TRIGGER WARNING, do not take it lightly.  
> I do hope you enjoy this massive short story, word count is at 26 310... It's massive but I had a lot to say, and I got a bit carried away I guess.  
> The story does have a happy ending though !

Page 394.

Chanyeol looked at the small paragraph on his textbook. His teacher had told him to concentrate at least five times today. Five times in less than thirty minutes. Today was not his day. He had not smiled once. He did not want to be in school. He did not want people to look at him. He did not want anybody to see him. Not today. Not ever. He needed to be alone. He needed to calm down and think, and not see all those judgmental faces. Chanyeol was a straight A student. So why couldn't he concentrate on his book? It was just a small text talking about Werewolves. It should be easy to understand. Chanyeol was a nerd for mythology. So why couldn't he just read one word on that page.

Crying. He felt like crying. His brain was fonctioning too much. Too fast. He couldn't think about anything else, see anything else but his poor sorry ass on the floor of his bathroom, crying silently, water running in the faucet so that his parents would not hear him, when they were at home, that is. He thought about his ragged breathing, his blood pulsating through his veins, too loudly. So loudly that he could only hear that deafening sound. He thought about his throbbing head, making him feel dizzy, his vision blurring because of the upcoming panic attack. He thought about how it felt like his skin was disintegrating under his fingers, how it felt like his hair was falling off of his head. He felt like every liquid in his body was leaving him. He felt the life leave his soul. He didn't understand why these episodes would happen. How could they. He didn't understand what he was going through. But he didn't want to live through it anymore. He didn't want to live anymore.

He lifted his head, seeing from the corner of his eye the person in front of him move. One week since they were back to sitting in front of their desks, listening to teachers and trying to make something out of their lives. A single week since Chanyeol was back to smiling and laughing with his friends. Fakingly. One single week since he was back to being one of the kings of the school. But 17 years old Park Chanyeol could not care less about popularity at the moment. The darkness surrounding him was too thick. Too invading. It had never happened at school before that day.

He was the happy virus of this school. He was the voice of his group of friends. He was the best rapper in singing class. He was the best at composing and writing music. He was the smiling sushine of the school.

If only people knew. If only his friends would understand. If only people could see his hear ; his brain. He just wanted to open his chest, take out his black heart and put it on display for anyone to see it. He just wanted someone to understand, to help him understand what he was going through. But he couldn't. Because that was the thing. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. His outer self was always all smiles and laughters. But oh, how much his inner self knew that this was just to fool people around him. Because he didn't want anyone asking questions he couldn't answer.

Sometimes he thought about telling his friends. But what would they say? What could they do that Chanyeol hadn't try? They would tell him that it was just that time of their lives, when nothing seemed right, because he was a teenager, that everyone felt the same way, that it was nothing to worry about. But he highly doubted that any of his friends felt the way he did. He doubted that any of them felt as helpless and as pained as he did. So no, of course they could never understand what he was going through. Because all they could see was the laughing Chanyeol at school. They could not see the crying one on the bathroom floor. But it was too late now. Chanyeol didn't want them to see that one Chanyeol that he had been hiding from everyone for years. And before today he didn't think seriously about telling anyone about it because he had always managed, thinking that it was just hormones playing him. And because it had never happened at school. Maybe it had been only hormones at some point. But right now, Chanyeol was sure of it. It wasn't. It was something way darker, and scarier than teenage's hormones.

Today, and for the past few weeks, he had had so many dark thoughts. His mind was filled with darkness. And all he thought about was how to end these thoughts. And the more he thought of a solution, the darker his mind and heart became. He could almost see that dark shadow on his face whenever he looked in the mirror. He could almost see that he was nearing the end. And that he could do nothing to turn the tables around. Maybe he didn't want to do anything about it. Maybe he just needed to let his mind take controle and let things happen. He couldn't understand how something like that could even cross his mind. He didn't understand how and why he was always the most cheerful one out of all his friends. How he could just smile brighter than the sun all day, but how, at the same time, in his head, it was full of darkness and pain. He didn't want to be like that. But he couldn't control his mind. Sure, he had had some weird experiences. Some that were sad and that hurt him. Like ; his parents not being here for his birthays. Like ; living alone half of the year. Like ; his bestfriend crushing his heart because he was jealous of him. But he thought that some people had it worse than him, that he didn't have the right to complain when he had a roof to sleep under and food to fill his stomach with. Some people didn't even have clothes to wear when it was cold. So no. Chanyeol didn't want to complain about his life. He should feel happy. He had a life. He had friends. An education, and good health. He was handsome, and he knew it. He had boys and girl running after his love, must mostly after hie wealth. His parents were rich, and he could almost have anything he wanted. But money doesn't make you happy. And happiness, you cannot buy. 

While thinking about all that, he didin't immediately see the hand shaking in front of his face. Far away, a small, indistinct "Hey" started waking up his senses. He closed his eyes. Still not coming back in the classroom. Was this a dream? Had he finally abandoned himself?

"Hey, Chanyeol!"

His eyes shot open. Suddenly he was feeling dizzy. Everything around him was a blur. The voice was still muffled. His eyes blinked once, almost staying closed. He grabbed the table in front of him, feeling that he was starting to lose balance. He let out what he thought  to be, a shaky breath. He couldn't know for sure. He couldn't feel anything but the throbbing headache and the dizzyness. Until a hand came to rest on his. Every feeling went away. Everything went back to normal. His breath was still hitched and his head was still throbbing but overall he was fine. He recovered his sight in a matter of seconds and the view almost made him think again that this was all a dream. Or.. Something else. Was Byun Baekhyun always sitting in front of him? Was he even in his class? Why was he frowning? Was he the one touching his hand? Chanyeol didn't dare to look down. He simply looked at the dreamy boy in front of him. He was thinking as fast as he could. He needed to get out of this situation. Baekhyun couldn't be the one to notice about his little issue. He couldn't do that to Baekhyun. He blinked a few times. Cleared his throat and put on one of his most dazzling smiles on. An almost sincere one. After all, Baekhyun WAS touching his hand.

"Baekhyun, hi! I didn't quite see you there before. You were not in that class, were you?" He asked casually, not feeling the need to take his hand back. He was still nervously looking at Baekhyun, trying to make out if Baekhyun believed in his lie or not. He didn't want to screw anything with him when it hadn't even started. But then, the look on his new classmate's face softened a bit, and a sigh of what seemed like relief to Chanyeol, left his lips.

"Hey, Chanyeol. Are you ok? You scared me for a while there." He said sincerely. His hand gripped the taller's harder, as if making sure that he was not going to collapse. Chanyeol laughed louder than needed and let his head fall on his other hand, looking at his longtime crush.

"I am perfectly fine ! I just spaced out for a bit ! Nothing to worry your pretty head about, I promise !"

Chanyeol bit his tongue at the lie. He hated lying. But he had no choice. Since they had come back to school, he was feeling stranger than usual. He had spent the summer alone, and his parents were not coming back until the month after. His friends had all left with their families on vacations, so Chanyeol was left alone, and no good ever came out of spending too much time alone with his thoughts. And now that he was back at school, he didn't want anyone finding out about his condition. But at the same time he could not stop feeling like shouting out everything he had on his mind. Baekhyun laughed as well this time, and let go of Chanyeol's hand, but not before giving it one last comforting squeeze. His hand felt empty. It felt cold again. Right now Baekhyun almost felt like a small fire in the night. Warming up his insides with comfort and something that Chanyeol didn't want to feel at the moment even if he didn't know what it was. He didn't have time for this. Time. Heart. Mind. He didn't want it. He couldn't have it.

"Well, that's a relief. Wouldn't want your handsome face out of my view for a minute." Baekhyun said back.

It had always been like that. Baekhyun and Chanyeol had never been friends. Not really. They knew each other. They talked from time to time. But they didn't have each other's phone number, they never hung out, nothing. But they were always flirting with each other. And that had begun on the first day they had met. Jongdae was friends with both, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He had introduced them on the first day Baekhyun arrived. Jongdae and him were friends through their mothers. And Jongdae was one of Chanyeol's best friends since High school started. Baekhyun and him had clicked right away. Baekhyun was very handsome, he had black straight hair, falling on his hooded brown eyes. While Chanyeol had decided on a red at that time, changing it from time to time. He had settled on a silver at the moment. But Baekhyun had always kept his black beautiful straight hair. He was radiant. He had that shinny glow that made Chanyeol's heart flutter since the first time he landed his eyes on him. And the cute mole just above his lip made it hard for Chanyeol from time to time to not bend down, close the distance between them and claim his lips like he knows he should have done a long time ago. And Baekhyun seemed to like Chanyeol just as much. The first thing Chanyeol said to Baekhyun was something along "Hello, handsome Baekhyun, I'm Chanyeol" and Bakehyun replied something like "Hi, Dazzling Chanyeol, I'm Baekhyun". So this had been one of their favourite games ever since. Jongdae was uncomfortable with the whole flirting thing at first. Now, he almost feelt sorry for the two everytime they talk to each other. He always complains about all the "sexual tension" surrounding them. That it's bad for his own sexual life, if he had one. Maybe Baekhyun liked Chanyeol the way Chanyeol liked Baekhyun. But neither of them had ever made a move. And that had been going on for two years.

"And, to answer your question, it happens that they made a mistake and put me in a class where I was suppose to take theatre when I wanted to take a dance class. They had to rearrange things throughout last week. But here I am. Ready to be your partner for at least a whole year." He said with a smile.

Chanyeol laughed again, catching the hidden meaning of the statement. Chanyeol liked Baekhyun because of that. He was not affraid of anything. Anything but a relationship apparently. In two years, Chanyeol had never seen Baekhyun dating anyone. And he had a large panel of candidates. Chanyeol had witness a whole lot of girls and boys alike have their heart shattered because of the beauty that was Baekhyun. He always turned everyone down. Always saying that he "already had someone". But that someone never showed up. Chanyeol had never seen that "someone" and neither did Jongdae. The latter thought that it was a way of saying that he was waiting for Chanyeol to make a move or something. But Chanyeol never did. He couldn't inflict someone like himself on Baekhyun. He couldn't see him suffer. He didn't want to be the one to make him suffer. He was fine with being.. Whatever they were at the moment. He was perfectly fine with it.

"So, I was actually asking if you wanted to do the project with me?" Baekhyun asked through his beautiful lashes.

"Project?" Chanyeol dumbfully asked.

"Yes. Song writing project? We have to write a pop song. Two verses at least, some rap, some singing, chorus. Music. Everything. Producing, writing. Stage. It is all up to us.  We have until March. So that leaves us 6 months from now. And then we will have a showcase where companies will come and see if some of us are of any Idole material." He explained to him. He had his chair fully turned to him right now.

Chanyeol looked around him. People seemed to have formed small groups already. His neighbor and friend Kim Jongin was already looking toward Baekhyun's best friend Do Kyungsoo. Jongin had told Chanyeol that he would like very much to do something with Kyungsoo. Chanyeol had agreed, saying that their voices would be perfect together. And some other parts of them. He was happy for his friend to finally have his wish granted. But Chanyeol suddenly wondered why Baekhyun had decided to work with him instead of his best friend. He had heard them singing together multiple times. So why not once more? He frowned, still looking at Kyungsoo's small smile as he watched his new partner getting excited about something.

"I'm very happy Kyungsoo finally accepted working with someone else." Baekhyun suddenly said. Chanyeol looked back at him. He was smiling at the sight of their friends. He let out a sigh before looking back at Chanyeol, a determined look on his face, Chanyeol almost flinched at the beautiful and confusing sight in front of him, but he never lost his smile. "I really wanted to try working with you Chanyeol. Other than your personality, and your handsome and sexy looks, I think that you are an amazing artist, singer, rapper, writer and producer alike. I think that together we'll be able to write something incredible." Baekhyun said all that looking right into Chanyeol's eyes.

And yes, there was a hidden meaning to this tirade. And Chanyeol understood it very well. But he didn't want for Baekhyun to get his hopes up. He didn't want to hurt him. And he wanted to submit to his feelings at the same time. But yes. Of course he will be able to achieve something great with Baekhyun. He was really looking forward to make something with him. He was hoping that Baekhyun would not be able to see right through his smiles. He knew the boy was different. He could see that he didn't always buy his obnoxious character. But Chanyeol didn't want to start talking to him too deeply. He couldn't. Because nobody could save him from himself at that point. He was fine with having friends. Close friends. But he couldn't have someone close to his heart. Especially Baekhyun. But he smiled nontheless, bringing his face closer to the smaller's in a flirty way. Bakehyun's smile only grew wider, eyes hooding in a way that had Chanyeol's mouth run dry.

"Well, Princess, you got me at "Hey" anyway. And I'm talking about your first one two years ago." He winked at the brunette who laughed again before taking a clean sheet and a pencil out of his bag.

 

 

Settling on the type of song. That's all they had managed to do in two hours. They had discussed about every kind of music they could do together. Chanyeol really wanted to do a balade at first, saying that Baekhyun's voice was perfect in these. But he had let Baekhyun win in the end. Baekhyun wanted Chanyeol to have the bigger part. He wanted to make a rap song. He said that it could be a new challenge for the both of them if they managed to make a rap, with Chanyeol standing out almost during the whole song but make Baekhyun shine during only the chorus. He said he was so used to listening and doing songs with equal parts in duos. He wanted Chanyeol to shine. Because apparently Chanyeol deserved to shine. At first the tall boy didn't want to do it. He said that Baekhyun had the most amazing voice he had ever heard and that he couldn't imagine himself taking so much of the song. He told Baekhyun that he would probably be too mesmerized by the smaller to be able to concentrate on so much of the song. Baekhyun had called him an handsome idiot, and told him to think about it for a second, that they would probably be the only ones to have such a creative piece. Chanyeol then told him that Kyungsoo and Jongin would probably have something very creative as well like Jongin dancing and Kyungsoo singing all alone in a corner of the stage and that it was going to be beautiful and uncalled for and that they would receive full mark for it. Both of them just started fanboying over a prformance that was not yet done and that would probably never happen. Chanyeol finally agreed to Baekhyun's idea when the smaller took back his hand in both of his and told him how glad he was that they would finally spend some alone time together, to be able to know each other better and to just have the relationship they were always meant to have. Chanyeol could only nod his head and try to refrain his mouth from saying, and doing, something that he knew he would regret for the rest of his life. As soon as Baekhyun's smile spread on his face he started thinking about things that should not have been on his mind again. He shook the thoughts away, lifted Baekhyun's hands to depose a flirty kiss on them, accompannying it with a wink.

There were a lot of giggles. There were a lot of smiles, looks and lip biting and flirting in general. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were so comfortable flirting with each other, it was the base of their, kind of, friendship. They were not used to talk in another way. So they didn't. they continued with their flirting while discussing their project. Chanyeol was confused. He had tried to keep himself out of Baekhyun's way for this to never happen, because they probably liked each other and Chanyeol and Baekhyun knew deep down about the other's secret. The whole school knew it and everyone was just tired of the both not even being able to be even just friends.

 

 

Chanyeol looked at the ceiling in his room that night. Small tears escaped his eyes as he thought about beautiful Baekhyun smiling up at him and blushing nicely at the kiss he gave his hands. Why couldn't he stop himself from doing things like that. How could he continue leading Baekhyun on like that when he perfectly knew that he was not going to stay long enough to give him any sort of satisfaction in their relationship. He didn't even know what was making him wait for this. He could feel his mind escaping his heart again. He could feel darkness embracing him as he got up and took his shirt off, too hot to keep it on his body as he began to sweat. He tried to fight it. He fought his thoughts. He fought with everything he had. Tears continued to flow, slipping out of his eyes and he made his way into his private bathroom. He was feeling dizzy again. His vision blured and he felt like throwing up as he tried to reach the faucet. He felt his mind sleeping away from his reach and almost felt nothing when he fell down on the cold floor. He stayed there for a minute. Cheek on the floor, ears whisteling, tears still streaming down his face, his breath caught in his throat as he tried to regain full consciousness. His nails gripped the slippery tiling and he let out a loud whimper when he felt his legs not responding.

Sleep. He needed to sleep. He didn't want anything else at the moment. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. So he continued crying, eyes closed. He stayed on the floor and whimpered louder. His parents were not home. He was alone. But he was going to be fine. He was going to be absolutely fine. Tomorrow. He was going to be fine.

 

 

Chanyeol woke up three hours later. Groggy, face wet, and body numb, but he could finally get up. He just took time to wash his face and get rid of the disgusting metalic taste he had in his mouth. His head was still killing him but he still had a few hours to sleep some more anyway. After brushing his teeth he got in his bed and snuggled under his cover, phone in hand. He gazed at the two small icones on his locked screen. One was from Facebook. The other was just a text. Both were from Baekhyun. Chanyeol tried to prevent his tears from spilling again. He didn't want to cry over Baekhyun. He was his light in his darkness. Even if he couldn't touch him, he could look at him. He just wanted to look at him. He just didn't want to hurt him. He unlocked the screen with shaky hands and opened facebook first. Baekhyun had just asked to be his friend. Chanyeol accepted with a smile and scrolled down his profile for a while. A year and a half ago he had changed his relationship status to "Hopelessely devoted to the one and only C." Chanyeol didn't really understand. But he smiled nonetheless, hoping that he was "the one and only C", before regretting his thought again. He should not be selfish. He watched all the cats and pandas videos Baekhyun posted, looked at his pictures, smiling genuinely when Baekhyun was acting cute.

After some time he finally opened the text. Chanyeol almost laughed at the stupid text he had sent. A simple "Good night my prince <3" that was everything to Chanyeol. Until reality hit him again. He had cried too much that night already. Yes. He had to stop Baekhyun before it would crush him. He had to stop flirting with him and make him understand that they could not be more than friends because he would not be able to go further than that. Because his time was nearing fast. Faster than anyone could imagine. Even Chanyeol.

 

 

A month. A month of working with Baekhyun. A month of crying himself to sleep every night because he couldn't stop himself. He never felt satisfied. He was dying to touch Baekhyun. He was dying to show the smaller man what he was really feeling for him. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. He didn't want to let Baekhyun down. He didn't want to have to crush him. But he was so drawn to him. He couldn't stop himself from responding to the small touches, to the smiles, to the man himself. He was unstoppable, until he came back home at night. After two weeks into their new relationship Chanyeol came back home in a hurry. And the blade was quick to cut through his thighs as he screamed the brunette's name. His voice sounded through the house. Chanyeol was alone. It had been two weeks since. And it never stopped again.

He hadn't meant to go back to cutting himself. He didn't want to do that again. He had abandoned the cutting for what was supposed to be forever. Because he thought that he was doing better. He thought that he was going to be fine.

Chanyeol didn't understand why he was feeling that way now that Baekhyun was a constant light in his darkness. He could have saved him. But it was too late. And it was crazy. Baekhyun had become Chanyeol's reason to hurt himself. And he also had become the reason why Chanyeol was fighting himself everyday. But it was hard. Because he wouldn't and couldn't have him, even though he perfectly knew that Baekhyun wanted to be with him as well was making him suffer too much. His heart was sinking farther everyday. Sometimes it felt like it was trying to get out of his chest. Sometimes, it felt like it was trying to hide behinde other organs. Other times it just felt like a big hole was ripping it. It had become a physical pain. And the pain, Chanyeol couldn't take it anymore. He needed it to stop or he would snap. He was going to snap earlier than expected.

But he fought his way through another year. He was getting worse everyday. He had more and more episodes. It was hard trying to hide everything from his friends. And at some point he just wanted to yell and rip his hair from his head. But he fought. He didn't know why. But he did.

 

 

"Maybe we should take a break, Yeol, you can't seem to concentrate and it's useless to work under these conditions."

One month left. The music was done. The song was written. It was beautiful. It was Chanyeol's master piece. Baekhyun had let him do a lot. It was like he had sensed that he needed this to be perfect. Like he had sensed that there was something that Chanyeol needed to prove with this song. Chanyeol had composed almost the whole song. And had written the rap enterely. He had tried to pour his heart into that final piece. How Chanyeol had managed to last this long ? He didn't know. He liked to think that it was all because of Baekhyun.

"I'm sorry, I'm just.. Tired is all."

"I know you are, and it's fine. What about that. I go grab something to eat and you have a shower, rest and we can relax together when I come back. What do you say?"

"That would be perfect, thank you, Baekhyun."

He had tried to tell his story. It was obvious. And he knew that Bakehyun was not stupid and had guessed it all. He had seen the concern in his eyes from time to time. He has sensed the distress Baekhyun felt when being with him. It was weird how Baekhyun could know so much about him without needing to talk. But even Baekhyun didn't know the extend of the damages life had inflicted on him. He didn't quite understand just where he was going with the lyrics of the song. Nonetheless, Baekhyun had been amazing. He had suggested a lot to Chanyeol during the writing of the song and had made up a beautiful chorus that matched Chanyeol's spirit perfectly.

Recording. That was all they had left to do. Tomorrow they would start recording. Chanyeol could already feel himself breaking. They hadn't tried singing the song yet. Chanyeol had not heard Baekhyun sing the chorus. Chanyeol had not done his part in front of Baekhyun. But Chanyeol was breaking. It was the end. At this point, Chanyeol was in love with Baekhyun.

And when said boy closed the door of his room, he broke down. He didn't know why. He didn't understand why today, why now. He was fighting too much. He had been fighting for too long. He couldn't take it any longer. He wasn't ready to help himself, and the world was not going to help him either. And that was no one's fault. He was just so tired and so alone. He had too much darkness inside of him. He had been fighting all year, he didn't even know the reason why. And at this point, it was too much. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't fight it anymore. So he blacked out. He let his darkness take controle. He didn't know how it happened. He had never give in to his dark side in the presence of someone. He had been so carefull around Baekhyun. Especialy Baekhyun. He had been so carefull to not show him how much he suffered. He had tried to make him believe that he was alright. He tried to fool him. And maybe it worked. He didn't want for Baekhyun to suffer because of him. He knew what the smaller felt for him and it destroyed him. Because he could never return those feelings. Because Chanyeol would soon be gone and there was nothing that was going to change about that. But that day he was just so tired. He just had enough fighting this side of him. He was tired of crying himself to sleep for no reason. He had no reason to do so. But it was just so hard still being here. It was so hard to look at himself in the mirror everyday and tell himself to keep going for another day. When he had no reason to. It was hard to tell himself that it was going to be alright when he perfectly knew it wasn't. That he kept pushing away the inevitable. It was going to happen at some point. But he didn't want Baekhyun to be there when he did. But this day, being with Baekhyun all day, seing him flirt with him so much, seeing him wanting to be with him so much, Chanyeol didn't know why, but it triggered the darkness in his heart. It told him that he could never be with him. That Baekhyun was better off without him because he didn't deserve someone like Baekhyun who loved life when himself could not even think about something else but slit his wrists open, jumping out of the window or swallow those pills. That's why he couldn't concentrate. Because there was this voice in his head, growing, and getting louder everyday, telling him how worthless he was. And when he looked into Baekhyun's eyes, these eyes he loved so much, he wanted to scream. At Baekhyun, at himself. That he was dangerous, for himself and for Baekhyun. And for everybody who cared about him. And he didn't want to put Baekhyun in danger. He didn't want to make Baekhyun suffer. His last thought was of making Baekhyun happy. And if he disapeared, Baekhyun could get back his liberty. He would be freed from Chanyeol and could keep going with his life without him. Start something new. So, with a finaly smile, he closed his eyes and let darkness take control.

When he regained consciousness, he didn't open his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the chilly air brushing his silver hair back on his head. His feet were freezing. He was outside. He didn't want to open his eyes just yet. There was something comforting with what was happening right now. But he didn't understand how. His mind was almost at peace, something that had not happen in too long. His head. His head was pressed against a warm surface. A flat chest, a soft sweater. He inhaled once, taking in the intoxating scent that was Baekhyun. Baekhyun. He was crying. Chanyeol could only guess at this point. He could not hear a lot. Baekhyun was saying something. He was saying some things in his ear. He could feel the hot breath tickling him. He was coming back. He was tightly pressed against Baekhyun's chest that was rising and falling too quickly.

Don't cry, beautiful Baekhyun.

He didn't want Baekhyun to cry. Baekhyun didn't deserve to cry. He wanted Baekhyun to be the happy puppy he was used to. He wanted his prince to stay just the was he had been since day one. He didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want him to cry. But Baekhyun was crying. But, don't blame Chanyeol, he was still feeling contented. And he wanted to enjoy that feeling a bit more. Had he finally done it? Was it just his soul still conscious? Had he finally end his suffering? Was this why he was feeling this way? Chanyeol wanted this feeling to last forever. At peace, in Baekhyun's arms. So, his soul self, raised his arms and rapped them around the smaller frame. This seemed to trigger something. Baekhyun became almost hysterical. He pushed Chanyeol's body away from his and took his head in his hands. The sudden move made Chanyeol open his eyes. At first he couldn't see anything. Everything was white around him. But he could feel those two hands squeezing his cheeks very vividely. He blinked a few times. Blurred images came into view at first. But his sight came back to him eventually. With his sight, came back his hearing. He watched, and heard Baekhyun calling his name multiple times, saying that he needed to answer him. That he needed him to stay awake. Baekhyun wanted him to talk. Chanyeol looked at him. He watched the hysterical look Baekhyun had on his pretty face. He didn't want Baekhyun to look like that. He didn't want to watch him cry and look like the world was coming to an end. He wanted Baekhyun to smile. To be happy. To smile that weird, unique and amazing rectangular smile of his. He needed Baekhyun to shine again.

So he raised a hand. He touched Baekhyun's face with his palm. He collected the tears falling from those beautiful brown eyes with his thumb and watched Baekhyun's voice get caught in his throat.

"Baekhyun, my handsome Baekhyun." He whispered with a smile. He watched the boy cry some more, still holding his face in his pretty hands. He watched him lean his forhead on his own, and closed his eyes again with a smile on his face. He was enjoying the moment. He didn't know for sure what had happened. But he could only guess. A kiss was pressed on his hair, and Baekhyun's face was back in front of him, making Chanyeol look right into those dark orbs he liked so much.

"Never do that again. Never, you hear me? I am going to help you from now on. I will be by your side at all times and you are never going to hurt yourself again. I will help you heal and that's a promise. But p-please. Don't t-try to leave me a-again.." He whimpered.

Chanyeol finally knew. Baekhyun was busy hiding his crying face in Chanyeol's neck who could see where he was. The roof. And way closer to the edge than necessary. The building he was living in was a 20 levels one, with each floors high enough for the flats to have another floor. So count a 40 floors building. The fall would have been fatal. His arms circled the small boy and Chanyeol finally felt them. He felt as much as he saw. He had cut his arms again. But these were way deeper than he had ever done in his life. These needed proper treatement. Like himself.

He let Baekhyun help him get up and take him back inside. He told him to shower. Chanyeol silently obeyed. Baekhyun stayed in the bathroom with him. He didn't want to leave. And Chanyeol was not complaining. He didn't want Baekhyun to leave. He didn't want to be alone. The shower did him good. It cleaned his wounds and it made his muscle relax. He was still peacefull. Tears mixed with the hot water of the shower. He was alive. And he was feeling kind of alright. Just really strange, as if he was beginning a new life. As if he was reloading himself. That was it. Like his computer ; he needed an update. And he had a feeling that this update was going to change everything. That it was going to fix everything. He smiled. He cried. He looked around to see Baekhyun facing the door, sitting on the floor, waiting for him. The darkness inside of him was not taking as much space as before. He could feel his mind finally at ease. His heart was not hurting. He felt light. He felt warm. At least, he thought so. So, in a strange way, he needed this.

 

 

Baekhyun was taking care of his wounds silently. It gave Chanyeol time to think about the situation. Why was he not angry at Baekhyun for rescuing him ? Why was he not angry at himself for not managing to finally end it all ? Slowly, without him noticing, darkness started creeping back in his whole body. He shrinked on himself. He started shaking. His old self was coming back. He was going to black out again. He was going to cut himself again. He was going to hurt. Hurt. HURT.

Chanyeol suddenly screamed, grabbing his head. He screamed. So loud. Too loud. Baekhyun panicked. He watched Chanyeol trying to rip his hair off of his head. He called his name. He grabbed him. He shook him. Nothing made him come back. He did the first thing that came into his mind. He slapped Chanyeol. 

Silence. It was all that followed the slap. Both of them had stopped breathing. Until Baekhyun stood up straight again and started breathing heavily. Chanyeol looked at him. He watched him keeping his tears behind those beautiful hooded lids that he loved so much. They looked at each other. For a long time. Both didn't know where to look but in the eyes of the other. Chanyeol's face was on fire. He could feel Baekhyun's burning hand as if it was still on his cheek. There was only one thing on his mind at that moment. And that was Baekhyun. He badly needed to kiss him. But he wasn't going to. He couldn't. He watched Baekhyun sit down on the bed again, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Chanyeol didn't want to disturbe him. He needed Baekhyun to stay by his side right now. He had always felt that way when being with him. But now that he had been near his end, now that he felt that maybe, he could survive. He didn't want Baekhyun to leave. Ever. So he waited for Baekhyun to say something. Anything. He just wanted to hear his voice. He just needed him to, at least, aknowledge what had happened. He wanted Baekhyun to talk to him. To verbally help him. Some of his cuts were still open. They needed treatement. It stang. A bit. Nothing unbearable, unless he was moving around. He watched Baekhyun look up at him with those magnificient eyes glistening with tears.

"What happened, Chanyeol?" He simply asked. "I... Please talk to me. I need to know." He said more quietly.

The taller watched the pretty hand grab his rough one and pull him down on the bed. The other hand came to his face, brushing his hair away from his eyes. Baekhyun was so beautiful. He was so.. Perfect. The hand took place in his cheek, caressing the high cheekbone. His aching heart calmed down. Slowly. But it did. And he could feel his body relax and apparently so could Baekhyun, who decided to make his head rest on his knees. He stroke his hair. His hands were so soft. Chanyeol felt suddenly so tired. He felt like sleeping. All his energy was leaving him. Unconsciously his arms circled the small waist, keeping the warmth close.

"Maybe you should sleep." Baekhyun told him. Chanyeol could only agree. He felt incredibly sleepy.

Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol under the cover before kissing his temple and getting up. The taller boy got scared. He didn't want Baekhyun to leave. He was afraid for himself, from himself. So he grabbed his hand. The brunette crouched down, resting his head on the bed just next to Chanyeol's. The soft smile decorating his face made Chanyeol feel at ease again.

"I just have a few calls to make, love. Then I'll come right back to you alright? I'll be just outside the room. I won't leave you." He whispered. Chanyeol nodded, closing his eyes even though he knew he wouldn't be able to go to sleep until Bakehyun was back.

Baekhyun was true to his words. Chanyeol heard him sit down just in front of the room, back to his door. And unfortunately for Baekhyun, Chanyeol could hear everything he said. Walls were thick, doors a little less and Baekhyun was talking right next to it. His voice was muffled, but Chanyeol could still make out everything he was saying. The first person he called was .. Suprising and at the same time completely understandable.

"Hey, Soo ... Yes I'm still at Chanyeol's ... Fucking, hell, no I haven't confessed yet ! He's not ready ! ... I just know that's all ... I'm fine don't worry ... I'm sorry, Kyungsoo but I can't tell you ... Because it is not my secret to tell ... Ok, shut up and let me talk now ... Or you could tell Jongin how much you want his dick inside your ass ! ... Thank you ... Yes, I will tell Chanyeol you say hi. Now let me talk, it's important ! ... OK. Do you still have your therapist's number? ... Not for me, no. But please, send it to me. It's urgent. I really need it ... It's.. Complicated, I can't say anything ... Thank you, Soo. I have to go now. I'll talk to you later ... Yep, Bye ! "

He didn't waste anytime calling someone else after that. And Chanyeol was glad he did it. He was getting very sleepy, but he couldn't let go before Baekhyun would be back. Hearing him talk made it easier to stay awake.

"Hey, mum ... No, I'm fine, I'm very tired, is all ... It's going fine, Chanyeol was a bit .. Distracted today so we didn't managed to do a lot, but basically we just have the recording and editing to do and a month is more than enough ... Will do, mum ... No, of course. I called to ask for a favour ... I don't need money, just time. I need to stay at Chanyeol's tonight. Something.. Happened, and his parents are out of town again and I really don't want to leave him alone ... Please mommy, don't ask any questions, because I can't answer right now, it's just very complicated, and important ... Oh, no, mum it is so much more important than that. Because I wouldn't ask you if I can skip school for the rest of the week if it wasn't ... I know mum. But, if I could tell you I am sure you would be more proud than anything ... I know. Thank you for understanding ... I'll tell him. Just.. Not tonight ok? ... OK, thanks again, Bye ... Me too."

That's right. It was a school night. They still had two days left. And Chanyeol had decided to make all that mess happen today. With Baekhyun at home. He started feeling an episode coming again. Breathing in, and breathing out, he tried to calm himself and listen to the next person Baekhyun was going to call, even though Chanyeol already knew who it was going to be.

"Hi ! Sorry for disturbing you, I am calling to make an appointement. Do Kyungsoo gave me your number ... Ah, yes I will pass it on to him ... It is not for me no, I am calling because my friend is not able to do it right now ... It's kind of urgent actually ... Well, I left him for half an hour and when I came back there was blood on the bathroom floor. I found him on the roof. He was just s-stepping on the edge. His arms w-were dripping with blood and I just had time to pull him back.. I'm sorry, it's just so fresh in my mind right now, it happened an hour and a half ago ... Thank you ... Yes he is.. A very dear friend of mine ... Yes, of course. I think he blacked out, he didn't look like he could hear me for some time or even look at me actually, so I took him in my arms and talked to him until he responded ... Yes, he did ... I made him have a shower after that. I though that it could clean his wounds and make him relax ... And I started treating the cuts, but he had some kind of hysterical episode and to be honest I could do nothing but slap him to make him come back to reality ... Ok, great. He's in bed now ... Oh no there's just a door separating us. And I'm staying with him. His parents are out of town, so he's alone... A month I think, because he said they were coming back just after our showcase ... I was thinking about bringing him at my house if he would like to, so he could be with people. My family is quite cheerful and I think it would do him good ... I'm glad then. Thank you so much ... Ok, so I make him eat as much as I can, make him drink a hot drink but no coffee, stay with him at all times. Got it ... That's great, I don't know how to thank you really, when would you have time to see him? ... That would be great. This is perfect ... Thank you ... Really, thank you so much ... I'll see you tomorrow 10 am then ... Bye !" 

There was a small "Bang" after that and a quiet "Ouch". Baekhyun had most probably banged his head on the door. Chanyeol smiled at the cute man sitting a few feets away from him. His eyes were still closed, he needed to rest. He was tired. He was so tired. He was exhausted, too exhausted to think about anything else but sleep. The darkness had left it's place to a cosy, warm fire at the moment. Baekhyun's warmth was still radiating through his body. Baekhyun's light was still keeping his mind clear. And soon Baekhyun's body was pressed against his with a softness that Chanyeol had never experienced. Soft, warm, gentle, kind, perfect. Chanyeol didn't think that he could love Baekhyun more than he already did. Somtimes, waiting was so worth it.

 

 

"What do you want? Hawaiian or classic?" Baekhyun asked, standing in the kitchen.

They had woken up two hours ago. It was almost 6pm, and Chanyeol was so hungry that he could eat a camel. Baekhyun had treated the rest of the cuts while talking almost cheerfully. Chanyeol was glad that he was not acting strange. He just wanted Baekhyun to smile. He just wanted him to continue smiling and be himself. Because Chanyeol needed it. He wanted to get better. He wanted to witness Baekhyun smile even if it was only for a few more months. He just needed Baekhyun to be himself.

"I'll take both." Chanyeol answered. He had found his voice back. He had found a little bit of peace. But he had also found guilt. How could he do this to Baekhyun ? How could his mind just forget that he was not alone ? How could he force him to witness something like that ? How could he ? How could he be so selfish and not at least think about cute, handsome Baekhyun who was kind enough to never ask questions about his strange behavior ? He had to try to hurt himself right the day he was here. How could he do this to him. Hate. Chanyeol hated himself for doing it. He almost asked Baekhyun to get out, leave him alone and start a new life. And then, he looked into Baekhyun's beautiful eyes. And he lost his words.

"Of course, you would. Let's watch a movie while eating ok? Go chosoe something, I'll put these in the oven to heat them up a bit and make us some tea." A hand rested on his cheek for a few seconds, and smiles were returned, grateful, understanding.

"Ok, Let's watch Mulan." Chanyeol said before hoping down the counter, into the living room.

He heard Baekhyun's melodious laugh sound in the big flat as he kept himself busy in the kitchen. When the movie was ready, Chanyeol went back in the kitchen. He wanted to stay with the smaller boy, knowing that it was the right thing to do anyway. Baekhyun had told him everything that was going to happen from now on. He didn't know that Chanyeol had overheard all his conversations on the phone, and the taller didn't want to tell him. He wanted Baekhyun to feel that he was going to help. And Chanyeol believed that he could help as well. And help he did. He kept Chanyeol talking so he didn't have time to think about anything else. 

 

 

"Chanyeol, I was thinking, maybe we should go to my parents. Maybe, it would do you good to be around other people and not live in a big empty flat. Just for a few days if you want."

They were lying in Chanyeol's bed. The taller's head was resting on Baekhyun's chest as they both rested from their tiring day.

"Ok." Was all Chanyeol whispered.

Baekhyun's hand ran through his colored hair. Both of them sighed. Chanyeol felt something stir in him. He didn't know he could feel this way. He didn't know that he could one day feel as if he was in the right place. As if everything was in place for the first time in his life. He finally found where he belonged. With Baekhyun. He hated the thought. He didn't want to belong with Baekhyu.; Because he didn't deserve Baekhyun. He simply deserved to be thrown in a corner of a room and watch people's life  bloom into something beautiful as he should be suffering. He should never be happy. He could never be happy. He had everything. But he was nothing. His life was not worth living. How could he feel happy when he was just a piece of trash. How dare he feel happy when Baekhyun was probably hurting because of him? How dare he still be alive. How dare he feel happiness. How could he in such a moment. His heart was sinking again. Sinking, and hurting. The hole was re-opening again. His body started trembeling. His lips quivering. His head hurting. He needed release. He needed to be free. But his body was completely frozen. He couldn't do anything. He closed his eyes, willing the darkness to leave him alone. Until arms snuck up around him, enclosing him in the safe space that Baekhyun was. Darkness was gone again. Leaving all it's place to be filled with Baekhyun.

 

 

"I know we haven't talked about it, and I am fine with it Chanyeol. I want you to take your time to trust me with the whole situation. Doctor Ong is not here to judge you. You just need some help, and he is here to provide it to you. So stop biting your nails and patiently wait until it's your turn."

Chanyeol pouted childishly next to Baekhyun. It was not that he didn't want to see Doctor Ong. He just didn't know if he was ready to talk about all this. Never had he said a word about his condition. He knew. He knew that there was something wrong going on, but he never said anything. So yes. He was nervous. Baekhyun was holding his hand between both of his. The heat radiating from the touch made a distraction for his concerned mind. He had been in the dark for so long, he couldn't even remember what it was like to be fully happy. He couldn't remember a day, an hour, when he wasn't, at some point, overcome by the darkness inside of his mind and heart. Of course he didn't want to be that way anymore. But he didn't know anything else. He couldn't know what it was like to be another way, and that frightened him more than anything.

He turned his head to watch Baekhyun picking at his nails. He too was nervous even though he was trying to be brave and calm for Chanyeol. He was still by his side. He was willing to skip school for him. He was willing to do so much for him. Chanyeol could never repay that kind of a debt. What Baekhyun was offering was incredibly selfless and never had Chanyeol witnessed something like that. Never had Chanyeol thought that, one day, someone would care for him as much as Baekhyun did. It made his heart ache. Because even though he loved Baekhyun and cared for him, he didn't know if he could repay him for everything he had been doing for him. He didn't know if he could give Baekhyun what he wanted. In a way, he wanted Baekhyun to stay far away from him. He had been selfish until now. He had been so selfish that he had kept Baekhyun from being with someone else. Not intentionaly. But he still continued flirting with him, making him believe that what Baekhyun hoped would, one day, become true. It never did. Not yet. And Chanyeol doubted that it ever would. Bakehyun was better off without him. Now that he knew what Chanyeol was really like, he probably didn't even want to be with him anyway. And Chanyeol hoped that it was the case, because he was so weak for the smaller. He could not resist him. He never did, and he doubted that he ever would. Baekhyun was his weakness, he had learned it a long time ago, and it was not going to change. At least, not yet.

"Hey, Chanyeol, it's your turn."

The silver boy looked at his friend. Behind him, was standing a middle aged man with short hair and casual clothes. His glasses were proudly sitting in the middle of his nose, hands in his pockets, he was smiling down at the both of them. Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol up, seeing that he would not move on his own. They walked to the man, Baekhyun pulling slightly at his hand to make him walk faster. He had to do this. For Baekhyun. And for himself. But for Bakehyun he would get better. If he couldn't give him his love he could at least give him his recovery. He could heal for Baekhyun. He would heal for Baekhyun.

No, Chanyeol didn't want to hurt Baekhyun more than he already had by agreeing to be in a relationship with him. It was not something that could be concidered at this point. Because he was not well. But not only that. Because he could not have a honest talk with the smaller either. He could not crush Baekhyun's heart and tell him out loud that he was not going to be able to start another type of relationship with him. He was sure that Baekhyun was already aware of his feelings for him. It was not like Chanyeol had tried hiding them. But he was in such a dark place. His heavy heart. His monsters in his mind, whispering to him that it was the end. That it should be the end. That nothing could save him. That he should be nothing. Because he was nothing. For no reasons at all. Because Chanyeol had everything anybody could wish for.

 

 

"So, now that the presentations are done, I should ask you Chanyeol, do you want Baekhyun to stay with us during our first session? Or do you want to do this alone? Note that, if you decide to come back again after today, Baekhyun won't be allowed in the room with you. I know, it is frightening, but it is essencial in order for you to be able to heal yourself. This is going to be a long journey, and you are going to be your own doctor in some way. Of course I will be here to help you. You'll have friends and family for moral support, but it is essencial that most of the work comes from you." Doctor Ong told the boys.

Chanyeol smiled. A bit. More concerned than anything. Did he want Baekhyun to stay in the room today? Did he want him to know everything there was to know about his darkest place? Did he want him to know about the most darkest heart and mind there was in his life? Did he want him to abandon him because he would finally know about his issues? Was he ready for Baekhyun to let go of their.. thing, whatever it was? Certainely not. He didn't want anything like that to happen. He didn't want to lose Baekhyun. He couldn't lose Baekhyun. But his first real love also had a right to know. He had every right to know about everything after what had happened yesterday. So yes. Baekhyun was going to stay in the room with them if he wanted to. Because Chanyeol did.

"I would be very happy, and more at ease if Baekhyun could stay just for today." He said with a calm voice.

A hand was pressed on his. Chanyeol looked to his right. A warm smile was plastered on his friend's face. And he could do nothing but return the smile, as a thank you. As a hope for help. As a call for comfort. Their hands tangled together. As they did, Chanyeol and Baekhyun turned their heads back to the Doctor who was smiling at the show of close affection between them.

"Baekhyun told me you were a dear friend of his." He starts.

"He is.. My dearest friend, Doctor." Chanyeol answered. Doctor Ong smiled at the hesitation.

"Well Chanyeol, today I would like you to tell us everything that makes you feel down. Everything. There is no right or wrong answer, there is nothing stupid, everything that you think has ever make you feel down, just tell us about it. I am not here to judge. I don't think Baekhyun is here for that either. So you can tell us everything you feel like telling." There was a kind and genuine smile on the doctor's face and Chanyeol felt relaxed. A light squeeze was given to his hand and he inhaled one last time before opening his heart.

 

"I don't really know how everything started. I mean, I do know that it has a link with me feeling alone almost all the time. My parents are hardly home and I had to start caring for myself at a young age. I know they love me, and I love them, but I guess, I just don't feel like we're a real family. They give me money, I have a big flat to live in, but they never told me how good I was in school, they never told me they were proud of me. They were not even with me for half of my birthdays. I don't know how they feel about me and I don't know if I will ever know. I just want to feel like I'm not some kind of trash that arrived to save a marriage or that I was an accident. I don't want to feel loved and I don't want this darkness inside of me anymore. I don't want my heart to hurt like it does. I want to stop crying. I want to stop thinking about cutting my arms too deep. I just want this to stop. I want everything to stop. I just want to feel happy. And I can't. I don't understand why I can't."

Tears were running down his cheeks. Never had he talked about it out loud. Never. Not to anyone. And at that moment, he felt relieved. That he had finally let it all out. That two people on earth knew what it was like to be in his head. He looked at the Doctor in front of him, too afraid to look at his side and see a disgust or sad Bakehyun. The Doctor had a severe, serious expression. The corners of his mouth were slightly dragged down and his eyebrow were knitted together. Chanyeol was at a loss for words. His sudden outburst made everything so clear now. He was depressed. He had depression, and probably.. Something else. Because there was something else.

"When I get my.. Episodes, at first I start crying, suffocating and I lose every senses one by one to finally end up with my body completely rigid and not being able to control it anymore. I can't breath, I can't hear, I can't see and I can't move. And most of the time, after losing all my senses I end up losing consciousness."

Doctor Ong seemed even more interested about this part. He leaned his body towards to two boys and made a gesture with his head to make Chanyeol continue talking. And Chanyeol was going to do just that. He was going to say everything needed to be said, everything Baekhyun and Doctor Ong wanted to know about him and his dark head and mind. 

"And, sometimes... most of the times I "wake up" in another place, having done some things that I can't remember doing. I don't understand how this can happen. How can I not know what I do sometimes? How could that be possible? I don't trust myself. I can't trust myself. How could I trust myself when I can't even know what I'm doing sometimes? I can't trust myself with anyone because I hurt myself without even knowing what I am doing. I can't trust myself." Chanyeol was out of breath at the end of his little outburst. He didn't know if he had intended to say all of that. But he did anyway. And he couldn't undo it. He closed his eyes, trying to realize what was about to happen. The words and realization sinked in slowly. But when they did, Chanyeol thought that he was finally going crazy. Because, maybe, just maybe, he wasn't sure yet, because he was not the expert in this room, but maybe it was not a simple depression like he thought to be. Maybe there was something more. Maybe there was something else. Even somebody else. And Chanyeol started crying harder. He sobbed, realising that maybe he had some kind of personality disorder. And that, he had never thought about. He was ready to hear that he had depression, that there was a part of him that was as dark as he had always thought it was, that he could get rid of it. But this? No. NO! 

"Chanyeol.." He looked at the psychiatrist, eyes full of tears, uncontrolled sobs agitating his body. 

"Chanyeol, I need you to calm down, ok? I have the feeling that you are thinking about something. And that something you are thinking about, it might not be what you think. Please, don't think about it anymore, because you don't know for sure, I don't know for sure, so let's just talk. We'll figure that out another time ok? IF you'd like we can talk about it later. Just, not yet. Right now, I need you to tell me more about how you feel." He said calmly. His voice was deep and soothing, it helped Chanyeol concentrate on his breathing and stop crying for a moment. He felt Baekhyun's hand squeeze around his again, reassuringly.

"I just, don't know anymore how to get out, how to get myself out of this nightmare. And until yesterday, I didn't want to get out anymore. Sometimes, I just lose my mind and scream because I've got nothing else to do, because there is no way out. But yesterday, yesterday I finally realized that maybe there was something worth living for. I'm sorry I sound dramatic and as if I'm writting a drama or something, I just don't know how to explain myself."

Chanyeol fell silent again after that. He still didn't dare to look at Baekhyun. He was afraid of what he would see in his eyes. He didn't want to see anything in the smaller's eyes. He just wanted him to look at him like he always did. And it was so selfish . Because he wanted Baekhyun to still look at him with all the love he had for him. And at he same time, he couldn't give in to this love that had blossomed between them. Another squeeze was given to his hand as he looked down, trying to keep his tears inside. He loved Baekhyun with his whole heart. But this heart was shattered. And he could not even think about building something with him. Because of his fucked up mind. His self destroying mind. He didn't want Baekhyun to go through all of this with him, but here he was, Baekhyun by his side after he had tried to jump off of his building. Death. Why had he wished for death? How could he have thought about death for so long? How? Why? When? He didn't know. He didn't want to know. Things had gone too far. Chanyeol knew it. He also knew that he should have tried to get help earlier. But he didn't know how. He didn't know how to speak, because he was such in a dark place. Because he couldn't see the light. But what was light to him? What was light and what did he want it to be? Where should he look for it? He didn't know how to find it. Now that he was here. Alive, breathing and walking, he thought about how Baekhyun was sitting next to him, comforting him and trying to just be here. And he saw Baekhyun as the light of his life. But he didn't want Baekhyun to play that part. Baekhyun was too important to him. Too precious. Too innocent. Too pure. He wanted Baekhyun to stay away from him. But he wanted him here. All this was so confusing. His mixed emotions about Baekhyun's involvement in his life was messed up, and he saw no way out of it.

Suddenly he started feeling overwhelmed again. He started shaking. But an arm was thrown over his shoulders. And his breath got caught in his throat. His head was pulled underneath a chin. And he exhaled loudly. A hand combed through his hair. And a smile appeared on his face. At peace. In these arms ; he was at peace.

"Chanyeol. No, don't move. Stay like that." And Chanyeol did. He obeyed the doctor. He stayed in Baekhyun's arms, eyes closed, breathing evenly.

"Chanyeol, I think that you should start give in to your emotions. At least with one person first, and then try to expand to others." At that, the tall boy opened his eyes and pulled out of those wonderfull arms gently.

"No. Baekhyun has nothing to do with my condition. I don't want to put him through this with me. He doesn't deserve to live like that." He seriously said.

"Chanyeol.." It was the first time Baekhyun talked since they entered the room, and Chanyeol shivered when he heard the beautiful raspy voice. But he couldn't let Baekhyun win this. Not this time.

"No, Baekhyun, I don't want you to.."

"LOOK AT ME !"

And he did. He looked at the smaller boy next to him. He sat next to him the whole time but never aknowledge his presence. Why? Because he didn't want to push him away. If he saw Baekhyun with his own two eyes, he would push him away. Because Baekhyun didn't deserve that. But he finally looked at Baekhyun's red eyes. He saw the pretty flush on his cheeks from containing his feelings in. He saw the anger, the sadness, the confusion but all the love he had for him. Baekhyun still loved him. And in a way it made him feel better and almost convinced him that maybe he should give in once more. Because those droopy, brown, incredible eyes were burried in him, and he drowned himself in those eyes he loved so much. He wanted time to stop. He wanted to feel this way for the rest of his life. Heart beating faster than usual. Butterflies tickling his insides. Cheeks warm. He wanted to feel that way forever.

"Please, don't decide what I deserve or not. I want to help you." Something flashed in Baekhyun's eyes and Chanyeol panicked.

"Baek..." He tried to stop him.

"YOU deserve to be helped."

"Please.." He whispered. And, Oh! how he whished he could look away from those beautiful brown orbs.

"You can't keep pushing me away Chanyeol. Because.."

"No. Please don't do this." He begged.

"I love you."

Chanyeol closed his eyes.

"Chanyeol. You have to understand that you can never get out of these kind of situations alone. You need support and professional help. But you also need to live." He looked at his therapist, not fully understanding what he meant. How could he live when he was being eaten by the dark side of himself? "You decide to live and fight on. You need to start living the life you want to live. Achieving some goals will make you stronger to be the person you want to be. I understand that this.. Dark side of you is taking a lot of space in your life right now. But if you want it to heal, you will need to live and do things that you WANT to do. You need to be surrounded, and most importantly you need to let people love you. Do you understand why it is important? The work we are going to do together is just half of your journey to heal yourself. It is very important that you do things to take your mind off of your illness and that you let yourself DO things. Id est, you need to live."

Chanyeol took his time to look out of the window, processing the words that had been said to him. He was starting to understand what the psychiatrist had meant. And now that he understood, he was conviced that the doctor was right. Maybe he needed to lean on Baekhyun. He needed to talk. That was a sure thing. He needed to connect with someone. And as he thought about all his friends, even his best friend didn't really seem a good fit to put on with his darker and gloomier side. Maybe Baekhyun was right. Maybe he should let Baekhyun help him even more. He just didn't want Baekhyun to suffer with him.

"I understand." He simply said, looking back at the Doctor who finally smiled again.

"Then, I expect you to start working today then ! I want you and Baekhyun here, to take the rest of the day to go out, and do something fun. Ok? And Baekhyun told me that he was going to take you to his parents house?" As he nodded, he felt the tension in the room wear off.

"I need you to understand that you can't stay alone at all for the time being. I know, it's hard. And that everybody needs privacy. But for now, you need to be with someone at all times. But it is for your own safety. I will ask you to come see me every day for half an hour so we can talk. Excluding sunday, because I obviously don't work. I also think that you should tell people about your condition. Not everyone, and I won't force you to do it, but eventually it would be a good thing. Because even if Baekhyun has.. Enough space in his heart to help you through this, at some point he might need help to carry this weight. So you should think about telling people about you. The real you."

Chanyeol understood that it was an important step in his recovery. But he didn't know if he was ready to tell people like Jongdae, or Jongin. He loved the two guys. But they didn't have the kind of relation ship were they would tell everything to one another. He didn't know what happened to the both of them at home, and so didn't they. They knew when his prents were out of town but that was all. Maybe, with time he would tell them. And they were probably going to ask questions now that Chanyeol could not hide his true self behind his smiles. He just didn't feel like he could do it anymore, and maybe it was for the best. He just wanted to get better now. So, yes. He would tell them. But in the mean time, he had other priorities.

After setting up their schedule for the next two days and the week after, Chanyeol and Baekhyun said their goodbye to the psychiatrist. As they were on their way to get out of the building, Chanyeol tried to organize his feelings. He was a little bit relived that the session went, almost perfectly well and that the Doctor Ong was kind and gentle and understanding. He was feeling a little bit better now that he had let everything out. He felt lighter, and the hole in his heart was not burning anymore, it almost felt as if it was filling up. It was slow. But if he already felt better, it meant that he had taken the right decision. When they were finally out the door, Baekhyun took his hand. And as he did so, Chanyeol didn't have the time to protest or even be surprised as Baekhyun instantly blinded him with his perfect smile.

"Come on, lets go to the arcade !" He said joyfully.

Arcade? Chanyeol had not been there in ages. Last time was before Sehun moved out of town, and that had been years ago. But he liked the arcade. So, unconciously he smiled, showing his liking for the idea. And the melodious sound that was Baekhyun's laugh warmed his heart a bit more for the day.

"So, let's go to the arcade. We can have streefood for lunch, because I know how much you like it and then we can go see a movie and go back to your flat to prepare your things to come back to mine ! Is that alright with you, love?" He asked, looking ahead. He was pratically dragging Chanyeol with him. He started walking faster, letting his hand in Baekhyun's as he realised that he didn't even want to let go. But half way there, Chanyeol stopped abruptly, making Baekhyun bounce back and bump his head against the taller's chest. As of pure instinct, Chanyeol's locked his arm around the smaller frame, and looked down, making sure that the brunette was fine. But they were so close. Too close for his dark heart's liking, and too close for his raging hormones. But they were also not close enough for the love growing inside of his soul. He looked at the innocently, blinking, beautiful, droopy eyes, slightly bigger because of the unexpected closeness, and probably because Chanyeol had still not let go of him. The rosy cheeks were so inviting, Chanyeol felt himself lean down, and when the small pink tongue dart out liking these pink lips wet, Chanyeol stopped his motion. Of course he wanted to kiss Baekhyun. More than anything. But how could he right now? He couldn't do that to Baekhyun. So, he hid his face in the smaller's neck who relaxed in his arms. A light chuckle left their lips.

"Thank you Baekhyun." Chanyeol's whispered. He felt the chills shaking the smaller body, but didn't say anything about it. He inhaled the wonderfull smell, and let it warm his entire being. He just wanted to stay like that. Baekhyun in his arms, whose own pair was stuck around his neck. The faint mixture of his natural scent, strawberry and vanilla making his mind almost dizzy as it was too endearing.

 

 

"Should we make this a date, Yeol?" Chanyeol looked at his friend, almost surprised, but not that much. He had expected that something like that would happen. Not because Baekhyun had confessed earlier, but because of the constant flirting. He had expected that their game would wear off and that Baekhyun would ask for more at some point. Because both knew about the other's feelings, even if they had stayed unspoken until that day. And Chanyeol wanted nothing more but to ask the smaller out. But he didn't know if he could. He didn't know if Baekhyun could really put up with him. He needed Baekhyun to be better, and if they ever fought when being together, he didn't know what would happen, but he was sure that Baekhyun didn't want to stay his friend and keep on helping him. He wasn't even sure he could survive Baekhyun rejecting him. Maybe that was the real reason why he couldn't give in to Baekhyun and date him. Because he didn't think he could survive if the smaller was to leave him one day. That would mean that he was alone. And he couldn't be alone. Not anymore. His goal. He would make dating Baekhyun his goal. He needed to get better to be the man who could finally give in to Baekhyun and date him and make him the happiest man. But right now, he couldn't. He was not ready.

"Baekhyun..." he started. But was quickly cut off by the smaller who's smile only grew. Both his hands were tangled with Baekhyun and the delicious warmth overwhelmed him as their eyes downed in each others. 

"Chanyeol, I'm not asking you to date me. I know what your feelings are for me. Even if you never said anything. We both know what we both have been feeling for a long time. And I understand that at the moment, you don't think you deserve me, but I hope one day you will understand that we deserve each other. I just want us to take our time and.. I don't know, experience things ! I've been waiting for you for over two years now. I can wait a few months more." His smile never flattered. It never failed to blind the taller. And the silver haired boy didn't want  it to stop. He thought for a second. He was liking the idea of Baekhyun still waiting for him, understanding that he was not yet ready to date him, but will eventually be. He gave his most shy smile to Baekhyun before nodding firmly. 

"Great ! Now, let's start that date, shall we handsome ?" 

And they did. They spent three hours at the arcade, playing with every games they could, Baekhyun stealing as many touches as he could. Brushing his hand against Chanyeol's, grabbing his arm when he laughed too hard at the clumsy tall boy. He took every chances he had to brush his fingers through the silver hair everytime they would fall in front of his eyes. And Chanyeol would never admit that he might have let his hair fall on purpose, only a few times. He liked the way he would catch the brunette's eyes linger on his face from time to time. He liked the way Baekhyun would catch his lower lip between his teeth everytime Chanyeol laughed. They flirted a lot that day. But they flirted differently. Almost innocently. It was all different now. But Chanyeol was finally feeling like every other teenager. They almost burst their stomachs with the street food that Chanyeol liked so much. They fed each other. Chanyeol pretexted a lot to not be able to eat properly so that Baekhyun would pick some sauce at the corner of his mouth with his finger and lick it off. He let crumbes on his chin so Baekhyun could wipe them off in a gentle hand motion. He didn't know that it was a thing, but he actually thought that no one was better at wiping crumbs than Baekhyun. For a day, Chanyeol was convinced that he would never find anyone as good as Baekhyun for himself. That Baekhyun was his soulmate and that never would he dream about being with anybody else. There were some times when he almost kissed the smaller man, because he was just perfect. Especially when he smiled this strange but so beautiful rectangular smile of his. Baekhyun was the best friend and the best date he could have ever asked for. 

And when they got back to his flat to fetch his things, Chanyeol couldn't stop smiling, he couldn't stop laughing, he couldn't stop being happy and not think about his condition. He liked this part of himself, when he didn't think about anything else but Baekhyun. When Baekhyun filled the empty, heavy and hurtful void. He liked this part of himself that allowed him to be just happy. And he wanted that part to take over the rest of himself. He wanted to be that Chanyeol forever. But right now he couldn't. Because he was only starting his journey to recovery. But at the end of the day, he was on the right path to become a better version of himself. A version that could be with Baekhyun and entirely satisfy that boy he loved so much. It was when they arrived in front of Baekhyun's door that Chanyeol paused. He was gripping his bag really tightly. He didn't know if he wanted Baekhyun's parents to know. He was not prepared to talk about it. Not again. Not today. Not yet. He would let someone explain, but he, himself, couldn't say a word about what had happened. He didn't want to. He had already talked enough for the day. So when Baekhyun stood in front of him, he looked at the man of his dream, smiling sadly but lovingly at him, he thought about his day with Baekhyun. And he found no other word to describe it but "perfect". He wanted the day to end perfectly. He didn't want to talk about his condition anymore. Not today.

"Chanyeol.." The voice was so soft. Chanyeol almost wanted to close his eyes and ask for Baekhyun to just talk all night. To talk for eternity, so he could only think about his beautiful, melodious voice.

"Do you want me to tell them?" Chanyeol almost sobbed at the question. Because yes. He would like Baekhyun to talk for him. He would like Baekhyun to talk about him. He didn't want to do it anymore. He was tired. He just wanted to enjoy the rest of his day with the smaller boy. So he nodded. He simply nodded.

"Then, we'll go inside, I'll show you to my room and I can go talk to them while you can shower, ok?" He said softly. And Chanyeol nodded again. He couldn't find his voice. Not when Baekhyun was looking at him the way he was. Not when he was talking to him with this loving voice. Not after he had confessed to him and had aknowledged and understood Chanyeol's feelings. So Chanyeol followed him when he was pulled by his hand. And when he got inside the warm cosy house, he smiled again. He was welcomed with loud and joyfull voices, hugs and jokes about his height. And Chanyeol loved all of it. Strangely he had never felt more at home than in this particular moment ; in a house full of strangers. Because this was what a real family looked like. Chanyeol never spent time with his parents. His sister was miles away and rarely contacted him anymore. He was alone. And he didn't know how it felt to be loved and cherrished like a son. He was trying to get his way out of Mrs. Byun's kitchen because she wouldn't stop asking him to taste something or another, when Chanyeol felt arms wrap around his leg. When he looked down, rather surprised. He was confused to find a mini version of Baekhyun gripping on the limb as if his life depended on it. And Chanyeol let out a sound that made the little boy jump a bit. Chanyeol actually squealed. Because he thought that Baekhyun was cute. And it turned out that he was almost nothing compared to the little boy fisting his jeans.

"Byun Taehyung ! Let Chanyeol go right now !" Chanyeol looked at the woman in front of him. Her eyes were directed to the boy on the floor, fists on her hips but the tall boy could see the smile creeping at the corners of her lips.

"It's fine Mrs Byun, I was just surprised !" He said as he bent down to pick up the boy who let himself being carried by the total stranger.

Chanyeol was ready to greet him. But it seemed that the Byuns were real chatter boxes. Even the tiny ones.

"Are you Park Chanyeol ?" He asked seriously.

"Indeed I am, and you must be Taehyung?" He asked back. But the boy ignored the question.

"Baek-hyung says you are his boyfriend and that he is going to marry you. Are you going to marry him? Are you going to take my brother away from me?" Chanyeol could feel his cheeks burning up at the strange question. He took his chance to look at Baekhyun's mother at the corner of his eye, and all he could see was a great wide smile directed to him. He was not going to lie to the boy, but he felt kind of bad that even their mother was happy that Baekhyun would be going out with him. He felt his heart starting to sink in his chest. But he couldn't let it be that way. So he smiled at the boy.

"Well, I am not his boyfriend just yet, but one day I will be. And maybe I am not going to be the one to marry him but.." He looked at the figure standing at the door. Baekhyun was leaning on the frame of the door, arms crossed on his chest, and a shadow of a beautiful smirk darkening his face. Chanyeol smiled at him, and continued talking while looking at him. "But the person who will marry him, will be the luckiest person in the world." He said. Baekhyun's smirk disapeared to leave it's place to a genuine smile that Chanyeol instantly returned.

"Men." Taehyung said in his arms. Chanyeol looked at him, confused, not understanding. So the boy, naturally sighed in his arms.

"Baek Hyung likes men. He says that he only loves Park Chanyeol, that he is going to carry your babies and that he is a bitc.."

"OK THAT'S ENOUGH TAEHYUNG, THANK YOU, YOU CAN GO PLAY NOW!" And suddenly Taehyung was snatched out of his reach, squealing "Unfairs" and "Worst big brother ever" in the house. Chanyeol let out a small laugh as he looked at the petite woman across the room. Mrs Byun had a very familiar smirk on her face. His laugher died suddenly in his throat as he realized what had been said in the room with Baekhyun's mother still here. But the woman was the one to laugh that time. She put down the knife she had in her hand. And moved towards him with her arms spread and a kind smile on her face. Chanyeol blinked a few times, until he was englurfed in a tight hug. At first he didn't know how to react. Because the only hugs he had known for weeks now, were Baekhyun's. And even if him and his mother were pretty similar, Baekhyun was the man he loved. He had hugged him with all his love. But this was a motherly touch. And Chanyeol didn't know how to react to that anymore, if he ever did. So he took his time to think about his next move. The wompetite woman was still hugging him tight against her. So Chanyeol returned the hug. He buried his nose in the rasberry scent of the woman's hair. And he finally relaxed. He let himself feel loved by a woman who didn't even know him. And he didn't care. He just wanted, and needed to feel cared for. He noticed for the first time how much he needed a family. He just wanted to never feel and be alone anymore. Never.

"I'm so glad our Baekhyunie has found you. He's been so happy lately. Thank you so much !" She pushed him slightly to be able to look at him and squished his cheeks between her hands. And Chanyeol almost melted at the pleasant feeling. Was he being weird ? Probably. But he didn't care. His day was still perfect and he was glad that Baekhyun's family was there for him even though they still didn't know what had happened. "I know you two are not dating, not yet, but I know love when I see it and you two are crazy about each other, but even as his friend you make him so happy, and that's all I need for my boy. Like every parents, I want him to be happy." She continued smiling. Chanyeol's cheeks felt really warm, and it was not just because the woman was squishing them pretty hard in her palms. And when he was about to reply, it was his time to be dragged out of the kitchen by Bakehyun.

"THANK YOU MOM, HE GETS IT ! I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM WHERE HE CAN PUT HIS THINGS NOW, BE DOWNSTAIRS IN A FEW !" And Chanyeol laughed again at the smaller who was dragging him upstrairs by his hand.

Chanyeol took a look at the red faced Baekhyun who was still fuming about his family being embarassing. But Chanyeol knew better than that. Baekhyun loved his family. If he didn't he wouldn't have told them about him, about them. And he surely would have never left him alone with his mother. They soon came face to face with a pastel purple door with a big "QUEEN B" sign hung on it. The letter B was in a shimmery gold color and Chanyeol thought that, even if Baekhyun was never really sassy around him, it suited him well, because he did observe the boy everytime he could, and he knew that Baekhyun was a sassy drama Queen. There was a small "K" in the corner of the sign, so Chanyeol could only guess that it stood for "Kyungsoo", the man who made the sign. 

"Kyungsoo did that for me, said that my room was boring the first time he came here. I tried making it more me-ish since, and he still thinks that I don't have a normal teenage's room." He said with a low voice. Strangely, Chanyeol didn't want to look at him. He was feeling shy all of a sudden, and Baekhyun too. Chanyeol could tell by the way his knuckles had turned white from tightening his hand on the handle too much. Chanyeol had shared his secrets with Baekhyun. But Bakehyun had not told Chanyeol everything about himself. This was it. He was going to learn who Baekhyun was. And he couldn't wait, because he was already in love with him, and he knew that this was only going to make him fall even harder.

But Chanyeol and Baekhyun were both ready to take a step forward today. They had both proved it. And Chanyeol was going to make his Baekhyun happy. Maybe not today, but someday. When they finally stepped foot inside the room, Chanyeol had to suppress a laugh because this room was so Baekhyun-like. There were pictures of Britney Spears, Beyonce and Taeyeon everywhere. You could sometimes see a picture of Kyungsoo and him between two pictures of the girls. There was one poster of SHINee on his door and under it a beautiful picture of Jonghyun singing with all his guts. Damn, did he look good on that one. But he always did. And this guy was one of the best vocalist Chanyeol had ever heard. So he understood Bakehyun had to find some space in his room full of Queens to fit him somewhere. There were pictures of Baekhyun's family everywhere as well. Trophies from singin contests, one that he had won last year, Chanyeol remembered. Him and Jongdae had decided to team up against Kyungsoo and Jongdae's crush, Minseok, another guy from his singing class. They sang "I really don't know" and it was beautiful. Chanyeol had not been able to take his eyes off of Baekhyun. He had lived the song with him, through him. And he was left crying at the end of the performance. Jongin had made fun of him but Chanyeol had seen the shinning eyes Jongin had been left with.

"Wow, you did win a lot of trophies, but why would I be surprised, you have the most beautiful voice in the world." Chanyeol said to the boy. He turned around to see Baekhyun sitting on his bed, a serious expression on his face. Chanyeol was suddenly very confused. What had he said that made Baekhyun look like he was about to cry. Chanyeol didn't want to see him cry. Not anymore. So he sat himself next to the smaller on the bed.

"I saw you last year." He whispered.

"Hm?" Chanyeol was even more confused. What was Bakehyun talking about and how did they reach this conversation if it was even one because he couldn't understand what was being said at the moment.

"I saw you crying at the end of our song with Jongdae. I got jealous because I thought you were crying because of him. He's an amazing, talented, singer. So of course you would be amazed by him." He said quietly.

"You know I listen to Jongdae sing amazingly good everyday. This guy never shuts up. And he always sings one song at a time. He sang Tears for an entire month. Believe me, I fin him amazing as well, but at some point it was annoying. So when you prepared for "I really don't know", I was more than annoyed with the song. I cried because of you, Baek. You were amazing." He responded. He didn't know why he felt the need to justify himself. He was sure Baekhyun knew he had cried for him and not for his obnoxious best friend. But he still told him because it felt right to praise the petite boy.

"I was so nervous that day" He whispered. Chanyeol almost didn't hear him. "I was so nervous until I got up there and saw you sitting at the end of the front row. And I told myself that if I was to sing for you only I would never feel nervous. So that's what I did. I pretended to sing for you." He said. And Chanyeol almost fainted. Baekhyun was so nice and thoughtfull. Baekhyun was perfect. "You never fooled me, Chanyeol." He whispered. The taller stiffened on the bed. Had Baekhyun always guessed what was wrong with him? He had tried to hide it so well though. "I never guessed exactly what was wrong, but I always saw what was behind all this happy virus character. I always saw how distressed you were. I didn't know what to do because you never let me get close. I just wish you would have open up to me sooner. I want to be by your side, Chanyeol."

And Chanyeol wanted to be by Baekhyun's side as well. But right now, he didn't know if he could. He didn't know if it was a good idea. He didn't know and so he didn't want to inflict that on Baekhyun. And he was so nervous to voice it out loud. He was so nervous Baekhyun would get angry because he couldn't understand. But at the same time it was so unfair to Baekhyun. He was being so selfish at the moment, because he needed Baekhyun with him, and that meant spending time with Baekhyun, which meant not giving him a chance to start a life without him.

"I just don't want you to suffer." He answered. He didn't know what to say anymore. Because this was the only truth he knew.

"And I don't want you to suffer, Yeol. But you are. And I want to help. And I want to be with you. But you need time and I can give you all the time in the world, but you need to stop pushing me away. You need me. So be selfish, and keep me by your side. Please. If you don't want to do it for you, then do it for me." He continued. Chanyeol almost wanted to cry at that moment. Baekhyun always managed to read his mind. He couldn't figure out how he did it, but he always found a way to understand Chanyeol even if the taller wouldn't say anything. Sometimes it was futile like knowing when Chanyeol was in need of a break. And sometimes it was so much more. Sometimes, he knew exctly what Chanyeol thought. And Chanyeol was impressed. Not freaked out. For him it just showed how much Bakehyun loved him. And he hoped that Baekhyun could see inside of him that he was crazy about him as well.

"Let's make a deal" He suddenly said. Chanyeol could not help curiosity taking over sadness as he lifted up his head to look at Baekhyun.

" A deal?" He asked, confused and lost.

"We have one month left until the performance. We'll finish this song, together, we'll perform together, but as friends. I'll take you to all your appointments with Doctor Ong, and you will stay here until he says that it is ok for you to go home, or even if you want to stay after that, you can, but in exchange, you will grant me a date every week there is left until the show. And IF after the show you are willing to try, because I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to, I will ask you to be my boyfriend. What do you say?" Baekhyun was pratically beaming at him. And Chanyeol was even more confused. Baekhyun was so set on making him his boyfriend that he seemed to forget about his mental health but at the same time it seemed like he thought that dating him would actually help him. And maybe he was right. Maybe Chanyeol should give in. But he had a deal to accept and right now he didn't feel ready to be with Baekhyun. So he nodded and smiled.

"Ok, deal."

"Great, so I can get you a matress to sleep on the floor, or.. "

"I think I'd rather sleep with you if you don't mind." Chanyeol realized that he had answered pretty quickly and he felt the blush creeping up his face as he blinked at the smaller boy who was smilling a bit too much at Chanyeol's weirdness.

"Someone likes to cuddle I see." He teased.

And Chanyeol just threw himself back on the bed, arms hiding his red face. He felt the bed shift next to him. And he tried to not pay any attention to it, until he felt Baekhyun straddling him. He could feel the warmth radiating from the smaller body above him. He could feel those thick thighs on each sides of his body. And Chanyeol had never felt so hot in his life. He was glad that he had his arms covering his face and he bit his lips when he felt the legs slide against his. And arms rest on his torso, and the weight of a head at the same place where the hands probably joined. And when Baekhyun's body stopped moving, he looked down at what was happening. An Chanyeol melted. Baekhyun had closed his eyes, and a beautiful smile was glowing on his face. The tall man felt like crying. Again. He felt like crying a lot. He didn't deserve such an angel. But here he was with Baekhyun smiling on him, for him and because of him. He let his fingers massage the scalp resting on him. And then Chanyeol realised his mistake. Baekhyun started moaning. He loved Baekhyun, and most of the time he only thought about this as a painfull but innocent love he had for the boy, but he forgot that he was a hormonal teenager, and that Baekhyun was one hot piece of human and Chanyeol was weak when it came to Baekhyun. He took his fingers out of the soft hair and rested the hand on the neck instead, eyes closed and trying to relax his body. 

"Why did you stop, I was enjoying that." Baekhyun whispered sleepily on his chest.

"Well, I wasn't." Was all he find to reply. And regreted it immediatly.

"Well that was honest."

"Sorry, it's not what I meant." He whispered, still refusing to look at the other.

"Come on, I just want to relax with you." He whined. And as said before, Chanyeol as weak.

"Stop moaning then." He said almost agressively. But Baekhyun did not seem to mind as he laughed quietly about it, and just whispered an "ok", grabbing the large rough hand and bringing it himself to his head. And of course Chanyeol obliged, smiling like the idiot in love that he was. But what could he do. What did he know. He was just that. In love. Until Baekhyun started moaning again and Chanyeol threw him on the bed, reversing their position. He was holding both the smaller's hand on each side of his head. Baekhyun was laughing hard and Chanyeol was bewitched by the guy he had learned to love so much. And at first he didn't care about their compromising position. He just watched Baekhyun catch his breath and finaly smile up at him. And Chanyeol was a goner. He didn't know how to stop himself as he watched the man he loved liking his lips. His body was moving downward, approaching those beautiful pink lips he had wanted for so long. And when he was a breath away, he stopped. His forhead came in contact with the others.

"Kiss me Chanyeol." Baekhyun whispered. They were both breathless. Chanyeol shook his head ; he couldn't. "You want to" He said. And he was right. Chanyeol nodded. Chanyeol wanted so badly to kiss him. And their first kiss would have been so cliche if it had happened at that exact moment. But that was not what had stopped Chanyeol. He shook his head again. 

"I won't know how to stop." He whispered back. And it was true. He wouldn't have known how to stop if he had kissed him. His gripp on the boy's wrist tighten. Control. He was trying to regain control of himself, and with Baekhyun, it was almost impossible. He was so close to him. He could feel his breath on his lips. He could feel him almost reaching upward to close the distance remaining between then. And how much Chanyeol wanted this distance to disappear. But he had made a promise to himself. He could not do this right now.

"I don't want you to stop." Baekhyun breathed on his mouth. Milimeters. Even without looking he could feel that there was almost nothing separating them. He could feel Baekhyun's lips ghost over his. Chanyeol almost moaned at Baekhyun's words. He was aroused. He was aroused but he didn't want to. And he couldn't. He felt his body reaching down on it's own, seeking for some kind of touch, and as he pressed his crotch on Baekhyun's thigh, he felt his body getting hotter than ever. It was too hot for Chanyeol, and probably for Baekhyun. But he was stuck. He didn't know how to get himself out from this situation. And when Baekhyun's crotch found his leg to be pressed on just as his, he let out a sigh. He didn't know why. But he did. He felt kind of relieved that Baekhyun was as bothered as he was by the situation. And when Baekhyun started grinding on his leg, he knew he had to put a stop to it. So he grabbed the enticing waist, and pushed it against the matress.

"Know that I love you, is that not enough for now?" He asked still so close to the sinful boy, who chuckled and brought his arms around his neck to hide just there. They stayed like that a few minutes. Until a knock came to disturbe their perfect bubble.

"Baek-Hyung mommy said you have to come and help downstairs ! "

"You're brother is so cute, I think I might just take him with me." He said to Baekhyun as he pushed himself up.

"Please do, he's a brat." He replied as he fixed his shirt.

"Well, no wonder he is when he has you as a brother" That earned him a slap on the butt. And Chanyeol didn't know it was arousing or just amusing.

"I'm going to leave you with my brother so you can have a shower. I'm not suppose to leave you alone, so you'll have to deal with Taehyung in the bathroom with you." He simply said as he opened the door. "I have to talk to my parents. I'll come and get you when we're done ok? " Chanyeol nodded and they smiled at each other. Their moment had passed but Chanyeol didn't care. All he cared about was that Baekhyun was here to help him.

"Hey Tae, I have a very very important mission for you, do you think you can handle it ?" Baekhyun asked picking up his brother.

"Of course Baek-Hyung !" The boy squealed.

"I need you to stay in the bathroom with Chanyeol as he showers ok? Because you see Chanyeol often falls down in the shower and if he does I need you to run downstairs and tell me ok? So you must never leave the room without him, understood?" Baekhyun made it sound a little bit too important for Chanyeol's liking, but what could he do ? He needed to be watched by a five years old. He had no choice. So when Baekhyun departed with a kiss on both their cheeks, Taehyung jumped down and grabbed Chanyeol's hand to pull him in Baekhyun's bathroom.

"Chanyeol-Hyung, hurry up, you need to shower and I don't have all night !" the boy almost shouted. And Chanyeol just wanted to play with the boy so he let himself fall on the floor and started dramatically saying :

"What is happening, I can't get on my feet Taehyung, you need to carry me in the shower, what are we going to dooooo?" Dramatic. As he wanted. And the boy seemed to find it entertaining as he grabbed the taller's head and trying carying him like that in the shower with cute squeals and his little hands grabbing wherever they could but mostly his ears that were sticking out so much.

"Chanyeol-Hyung you're too heavy I can't carry you like that !!!!" He stuggled saying through the effort. And Chanyeol had to find all his willpower to not straight up laugh at the cute boy.

"Ok, I'll stop. I still need fresh clothes and a towel, so we need to go back in your brother's room." He said to Taehyung who just grabbed his hand once again and pulled him inside the room. Chanyeol was laughing again. This little guy was too cute for his own good.

It was a bit awkward in the shower at first. There was an opaque curtain so hiding his body from Taehyung was an easy task, but he was still afraid, because the boy kept running in the room, singing at top of his lungs and every time the voice was just behind the curtain, Chanyeol's would freak out and almost scream as he tried to hide his naked body. The shower took too long with all that happening and Chanyeol was tired from the shower when they got out of the bathroom. they both went back to Baekhyun's room to wait for him.

"Are you that clumsy that a five years old needs to watch you in the shower Chanyeol-Hyung?" The kid asked as he sat on the bed.

"Or maybe your brother thinks I'm a damzel in destress and that I need a knight in a white armor to protect me. And that you are my knight in a white armor !" Chanyeol said as he tackled the small kid on the bed and tickled him all over.

Taehyung screamed and laughed and Chanyeol could not stop miling at the cute infant. He looked so much like his brother. He was so much like his brother and Chanyeol couldn't help but think that the boy would crush hearts in the future if he was so similar to his brother. And if he could he would help the child grow to be a wonderful person as his big brother was. Chanyeol just wanted a family. He just wanted to feel normal for once. He played with the boy for a few minutes as he waited for the big brother to finally come and get them. It was a good thing he had to stay with Taehyung. The kid was entertaining and it made Chanyeol forget what was happening downstairs at the same time. And forgetting that Baekhyun was telling his parents about his condition, made him feel kind of weird. He didn't know if he wanted them to know or not. A part of him just wished for some kind of attention. And he didn't want Baekhyun to be the only one with the weight of his life on his shoulders. But at the same time he was affraid of what they would think of him. Would they think that he's just an attention seeker? Would they think that he's just a selfish bastard for having done something like that just before their son's eyes? Would they even let him stay ? He could not go back to his cold and dark house. He didn't want to go back. Despite being there for merely a few hours, Chanyeol already felt at home. He was craving to be part of a family. He didn't want to be just an heir. He wanted to be a son. He wanted someone to love him. He was craving so many different loves. Was it weird? It felt like it was. He didn't even know if someone had ever thought like he did before. But he didn't care. It was time he took care of himself.

"Hey, Taehyung, mom and dad want to see you downstairs." Chanyeol lifted his head to look at the boy he loved turn into a man in front of his eyes.

He watched Taehyung get up and run to hug his brother and run down to their parents. Baekhyun closed the door to sit down next to him and Chanyeol could not help holding his breath. He had the sudden need to take another shower to get the tension out of his skin, away from his shoulders and to just curl up in bed under the thick blancket and fall asleep to never wake up. Until Baekhyun took his gigantic hand in his slender one. Chanyeol squeezed the fingers in his palm, not knowing what to say. He waited for Baekhyun to tell him some kind of bad news. He waited for Bakehyun to confirm that he was going to be alone again. That he was going to struggle against his dark thoughts alone in the cold and dark flat. That even the nicest people he had met so far were too scared of him.

"I asked them to not make a big deal out of it, that you were not ready to talk about it. They promised to leave you alone and to not treat you any different. It's fine Yeol. You'll be fine." Baekhyun whispered in his ear as he sneaked his arms around his neck.

Chanyeol could relax again. He let out the breath he was holding and let his arms follow the curves of Bakehyun's body to squeaze him against his chest, and burry his nose in the soft black hair he loved so much. They both pulled away with a smile on their faces and got up.

"We're having Jajjangmyeon tonight. My mother makes the best Jajjangmyeon in the world. And she prepared some Kimchi and sweet pork and some soupe but I can't remember which one, anything she does is amazing anyway." He said happily as they ran down the stairs.

 

 

And it was. Chanyeol had fun that night. He finally learned what a real family diner was supposed to be like. And he couldn't be happier. Taehyung had insisted to fill his plate everytime it was clean. He had eaten the desert on his knees and had playfully told Baekhyun he was going to switch him for Chanyeol as a brother because Chanyeol was not "breaking" his ears everytime he opened his mouth. Baekhyun had confidently made physical contact with him all evening in front of his parents and it seemed that it didn't bother anyone, so Chanyeol decided to let it go. And Baekhyun's parents were true to their words, they didn't change behavior towards the tall teenager and let the topic completely out of the conversation. Chanyeol had caught a few worried side looks at him but that didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. They were humans and they seemed to like him. It was normal for them worry about someone else. Especially if that someone was their son's boyfriend, as they already thought about him that way. They made Baekhyun and Chanyeol wash the dishes together and regretted it later as it ended in a very messy and wet kitchen and Chanyeol and Baekhyun were left to mope the floor giggling like the two high school idiots they were. Of course Chanyeol had to reach out to wipe some soap on Baekhyun's face to make the joyfull and happy atmosphere turn into a shy and loving one. Chanyeol didn't understand how he could keep making mistakes like this. He didn't want to lead Baekhyun on as he didn't know when he would be ready to start a relationship with him. But it didn't seem to bother the smaller at the moment and Chanyeol decided to try and not pay any attention to his actions. He tried to keep of acting as he used to before this whole mess, before everything happened. Old habits were hard to kill. He wanted to keep their special and flirty relationship. He didn't want to change anything. But it already had. He was glad and afraid at the same time. But a part of him was a tiny bit excited as well. This was the beggining of a new life for him. He hoped that this was a good one.

 

 

"Yeol, what's wrong?"

Chanyeol looked at his side when the chair was pulled from under the table and a Jongdae in.. Black hip hop overalls sat down next to him. When did Jongdae decided to change his looks? He looked kind of good like that, it was just strange to see him out of his skinny ripped jeans. But Chanyeol could not remember the last time he had payed attention to his best friend's clothes. One week and a half since he had been back at school. One week and a half since he started living with Baekhyun. Two weeks since he started seeing Doctor Ong. Things had been good. He was doing well according to the Psychiatrist. He was talking a lot and could concentrate on something else than his miserable life most of the time. Baekhyun had been following him everywhere and it didn't bother him one bit. On the contrary, he felt like he was not even spending enough time with him. But things had been hard at school. Chanyeol didn't want to be surrounded by these people who idolized him but didn't know one thing about what he was going through. He didn't want to stay in class, listening to some shit he didn't care about. He just wanted to sleep. He felt like all his energy was drained out of him from the second he opened his eyes.

He still had a lot to work on with Doctor Ong. And today had been a particularly bad day. He had to skip a class to see the Doctor as the psychiatrist had all the rest of the day booked, and when he arrived, he broke down. He didn't know if it was because he didn't want Baekhyun and his family to see him like that, but he had held in so much during the past few days that the second the door closed and he knew his voice would be muffled by the walls, he started screaming, crying and pulling at his hair, saying that he could not do this. He could not do it. It was too hard. And no one could save him. He knew that the second he would regain his senses he would regret this. He would regret saying that he could not be saved because that was the old Chanyeol talking. The new Chanyeol was fighting his mental sickness. The new Chanyeol loved Baekhyun more than anything and wanted to feel better for him. Doctor Ong had to drag Chanyeol to the couch where he let him cry his heart out. It took half an hour for Chanyeol to finally be able to sit up. He had tried to explain to the Doctor that it was hard. That he was determined to get through this but that sometimes he was just so tired that he thought about abandonning himself again. And he was aware that he shouldn't. But sometimes he was really too tired. And the psychiatrist had explained to him that it was a long and difficult process. That he was being too hard on himself. But that the first step to recovery was to speak about his emotions, his feelings. He gave Chanyeol some "homework". He wanted Chanyeol to work on speaking his mind. He wanted Chanyeol to tell someone everytime he was feeling bad. And what he was feeling. He gave the teenager a note book so he could write everytime he was feeling a dark emotion and everytime he talked about it and to whom. The Doctor had diagnosed him to be in a self destructive depression and Chanyeol had been unimpressed. He was prepared to hear anything. They had let Baekhyun in for a few minutes to explain the process and the smaller had listened to Chanyeol very seriously. This was also part of the process. Talking, himself, about the sessions, about his depression and about what he had to do would make him accept the therapy and the whole process better.

He looked at his best friend for a few seconds before feeling a light squeeze on his thigh. He turned to look at Baekhyun who gave him a light smile and a short nod. Chanyeol had discussed with Baekhyun about telling Jongin, Kyungsoo and Jongdae. He wasn't sure of himself but he knew that eventually he would have to do it. Not only in order for him to feel better but also because he trusted them, and they were his friends. He WANTED to tell them.

"I have depression." He simply said out loud.

Silence. Neither Baekhyun nor Jongdae said anything. The cafeteria was loud around them but the only thing Chanyeol could hear was the deafening silence Jongdae was leaving hanging above their heads. The squeeze on his thigh tightnened and Chanyeol risked looking at his best friend. He was gripping his fork a bit too hard. His jaw was set in an almost painfull hold and Chanyeol had to resist the urge to launch at Jongdae and hug the life our of him. Because Jongdae was mad. And Jongdae was never mad. Never.

"Months. Chanyeol." He finally said as he let his fork fall on the table loudly. "I've been waiting for you to finally tell me what was wrong for months." It almost seemed like he was ready to get up and leave and Chanyeol paniked. He didn't want Jongdae to leave him. He didn't want to feel alone. So he grabbed his arm and Jongdae let him do as he pleased. Chanyeol saw him almost reach out to his hand, and he squeezed the skinny limb. "You're my best friend Chanyeol. I know when something's wrong and I figured you would tell me at some point. But it's been so long since we talked. Since we talked about anything serious. And then you started hanging around Baekhyun a lot more and since last week I knew that something was seriously wrong because you were so different around him. It's like I could see your true self when you thought only Baekhyun could see you. And I figured you had told him. I'm not mad because you told someone else before telling me. I'm mad because you never reached out, you never tried." Jongdae was now holding his hand, and Chanyeol felt relaxed, even though he understood how left out Jongdae must have felt.

"It's more complicated than that, Jongdae." Both of them turned to look at Baekhyun who still had a hand on Chanyeol's leg. As always. He looked into Jongdae's eyes and never let the frown leave his face. "It's even more serious than that, Dae. You don't imagine how serious this is." This left the table silenced again, leaving some time for Jongdae to realise. He felt Baekhyun roll up his sleeves, letting the first scars in display for anyone looking. But the only one looking was Jongdae. And the man had already seen the scar before. He had asked about it. And Chanyeol never said anything. He never told Jongdae what they were. And why he had them. Jondgae asked. He had asked so many times. And Chanyeol had always said that it was nothing. And so he started cutting his thighs. Where no one could see them. But he also knew which ones of his cuts Baekhyun was showing his best friend. And these one had not healed completely yet. So when Chanyeol turned his head too see Jongdae gasp and pull his hand in front of his mouth, eyes opened wide in horror, slowly going from Baekhyun to Chanyeol, the tall boy realised that he had never felt so guilty and so sad about having friends at all. Jongdae was on the verge of crying and Chanyeol paniked again. He didn't want Jongdae to start crying here. He only wanted Jongdae to know. Not the whole school.

"Yeol, I'm so sorry." He whispered.

Tears were ready to fall and Chanyeol didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to see them. He doesn't want to see Jongdae cry. Because Jongdae never cried. So he did something completely out his character. He ran away. He ran because he wanted nothing more but to hide himself from the world. He ran, as fast as he could, so close to tears, so close to regretting still being alive. So he ran, because for the sake of everyone caring about him, he needed to be alive. He needed to be well. So he ran until he was behind the gym, where two girls were kissing hungrily. And when Chanyeol arrived there, panting, tears running down his face, he shouted for them to get away. And they did. They walked fast away from their spot ads disapeared. And Chanyeol finally let himself fall down, against the wall and cry his heart out as he hugged his long legs against his chest. He just couldn't take hurting anyone. Hurting himself had been another thing. He had been used to it. It had been happening for so long. But his friends. His best friend. And the man he loved. No he didn't want to. And he knew that telling Jongdae was going to hurt. On both sides. But it was still hard. Because all he meant to do was to feel better. He just wanted to feel better.

"Chanyeol?" He snapped his head to his left side, to see Jongdae, eyes red and puffy.

Chanyeol only looked at him for a few seconds before turning his head back in front. He didn't see his best friend come towards him. But he did feel him sliding down beside him. They were silent for a while. And Chanyeol was actually glad about it. It gave him some time to calm down and collect his thoughts for the big talk he was about to have. He just rested his head on the wall behind him as he closed his eyes and took a breath in.

"Chanyeol, I'm sorry." His best friend whispered. Without thinking about it he let out a low chuckle.

"You don't have anything to apologize for, Dae. I should have talked to you. You're right." He said while turning his head to watch his best friend smile down at his hands.

"But I should have tried harder, you know. I knew you were going through something but I never pushed it."

"Don't beat yourself over this. I'm the one with the condition here." Chanyeol laughed.

"How can you laugh about that, Yeol?" Jongdae didn't sound angry. Just confused and Chanyeol couldn't blame him.

"I just.. I feel relieved that I told you actually. Baekhyun and his parents were the only ones who knew about it until, well when we told you. And I've been worried that it was a bit too much for him, you know." It was weird for Chanyeol to finally be able to talk about all this freely. He didn't know why he always got so shy with Baekhyun. He had missed his best friend. Jongdae just knew so much about him. Baekhyun knew him in a completely different way and that was ok. He couldn't share the same things with the both of them, because they represented something so much different in their own ways.

"What happened, Yeol? How did we let this happen?"

"Don't feel responsible for any of this. No one is, really, but my fucked up mind and heart."

"Just tell me what happened, Giraffe."

"I guess I was feeling very down this day. I just was feeling overwhelmed because Baekhyun was here and I was having a really hard time not give in to my love for him. And we were working on the song and I was in a dark place. It was just so hard. And if I don't fight my way through I have these phases where I black out and I don't know what I'm doing. And.. That happened. And when I woke up, I was in Baekhyun's arms and he was crying and we were on the roof and very close to the edge at that, blood dripping down from my arms and that's that. He's been so supportive since. He called Kyungsoo to have Doctor Ong's number and got me an appointment for the day after. I started my therapy right away. Doctor Ong says I'm doing fine and it's been only two weeks. I have a lot of homework to do ! And one of them is telling when something is up. That's why I told you. I can't be alone. Never. Baekhyun has to stay with me all the time.  I just feel so bad about a lot of things. Having done that when Baekhyun was here. Not saying anything sooner. Not talking to you. Falling for Baekhyun. Living with him. Being a burden to him and his family. Having friends. Trying to jump off that roof. A lot. And as for the reasons. I don't have any. That's why I never complained. I feel lonely. This flat is so big and I'm always alone. And I guess mental pain of not having anyone really like me or love me for who I am got to my head and I started wanting to get away from that pain by turning it into a real physical pain. And it started way before I thought it would. But I should have talked. Because I probably wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my stupidity. That is the short version but it's what basically happened."

There was only silence after that. Chanyeol felt weirdly numb. He didn't know he could talk so freely so soon about everything. But it felt right to finally tell Jongdae. Suddenly he was glad Baekhyun had been there that day. He had the sudden urge to kiss Baekhyun with all his body and soul. Again.

"You know, I do wish you would have come to me sooner. But the past is in the past, and I am here to help you now. If you ever get tired of living with Baek, which I guess would never happen, you can always come to mine. I always like our pajama parties."

Both of them laughed their hearts out for a few seconds until they fell into a comfortable silence again.

 

 

"Hey you two, are you alright?" Chanyeol and Jongdae turned their heads to see Minseok, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongin looking at them.

"Hey babe" Jongdae beamed at Minseok. Chanyeol rolled his eyes at his best friend.

"You're so whipped Kim Jongdae." He whispered to the smaller man.

"Shut up, so are you, idiot."

"Quit trying so hard, Kim." Both best friends watched the guy walk away angrily. Chanyeol couldn't hold it in and cracked as his best friend blushed hard at the blow.

"Don't worry, he'll come around. I know he likes you, he told me last week."

"Thanks Jongin."

Chanyeol watched his two best friends leave the hall with a very quiet Kyungsoo. He watched Jongin's arm sneak around Kyungsoo's shoulders and the smaller let him. Jongin had finally win the heart he was poursuing and Chanyeol didn't even know about it. When had this happened? He was feeling so horribly guilty. And he really didn't have the mind to focus in class. But he couldn't ask Baekhyun to just skip class with him again. As it happened, he just had the heart to work on the song. Two weeks before the show and they still had to record the song. 

"Hey, should we go home? We both have special permisses, might as well use them if you don't feel like going to class." 

Chanyeol didn't need to look at the smaller to know exactly where his hand was as he took it. These things had come so naturally to him these past few days. This had felt so right. And he had a really hard time not give in to his feelings again.

"Actually, I'm in the mood to record our song. What do you say?" He looked at Baekhyun who was leaning against him, smiling sweetly.

"Big flat, alone with you, how could I say no?" Both of them laughed at each other as they went to their lockers and take their stuff before walking back to Chanyeol's flat.

 

 

"Ok, I think you should come and listen to it Chanyeol, because it's perfect and you're giving me goose bumps and I'm having a hard time not pouncing on you right now." Baekhyun said in the mic.

Chanyeol turned his head to look at him through the window. The perks of being rich is that he could throw a fit at his parents to make him a real studio. And not to say that they were actually happy about it because the studio was soundproof and his parents didn't have to listen to his loudness anymore. That is ; when they were actually home. Chanyeol took the headset off and made his way to Baekhyun.

As they listened to the recording of the first verse, Baekhyun had a hard time staying put. And it did make Chanyeol feel good about himself and the effect he had on the smaller. But he couldn't get the frown away from his face. Something was not right, and he could feel it when he was rapping. The song was good, he knew it, Baekhyun knew it. But something was missing.

"Something is not right, Baek." Chanyeol rested his head back on the chair, looking at the ceiling.

They were silent for a moment. Baekhyun had finally settled down in front of the computer. He was looking at the lyrics. Chanyeol was looking at Baekhyun, just because he could. He thought he was in the mood for music, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was just in the mood for Baekhyun. But that ; he always was.

"Chanyeol, I might know how to fix this." His voice was sad. But Chanyeol was ready to hear anything. He wanted to work on that song. They needed to finish recording it, because they had to edit it. "You wrote this song while you were in a certain state of mind. Maybe, you can't get the right feelings anymore because you are past these emotions. If you want to get it right, you need to get back in your past emotions. And I'm not sure it's a good thing so soon."

Bakehyun was right. Chanyeol had written this song when he was pratically in another world. When he was alone and had only darkness surrounding him. He couldn't rap them without living his lyrics. And now he was not in the right state of mind anymore. And sure, it was hard thinking about it all. But his talk with Jongdae had done some good. And he felt a little bit more at peace with this part of him that day. So without saying anything he got back in front of the microphone and put the headset back on his ears to finally close his eyes and think about everything he had been feeling uptil last week.

"Tell me when you're ready, Yeol." Baekhyun's voice whispered in his ear.

He took his time. He thought about a lot of things. He thought about his life, his parents, his flat, his friends. And he finally knew how he ought to sing it.

 

 

Baekhyun had been perfect. As always. They had recorded the song in two days and they had to finish editing it. But Chanyeol thought that they could do that back at Baekhyun's house. Jongin and Kyungsoo had asked Chanyeol for the studio as had Jongdae and Minseok.

A couple of weeks later, they were all done with their songs and were all proud of them. Chanyeol was getting restless. Their song had a very important meaning to the both of them and the taller was very worried that the teachers and the agencies would found it too depressing. But he had poured all his feelings in the lyrics and he hoped that people woud like it. Baekhyun had to get out of the room several times when they were recording it. Sometimes Chanyeol would notice a tear or two slipping from the smaller's eyes. He never said anything. He knew Baekhyun wanted to be strong for him. They still needed to put the performance together. But that was easy. Jongin had agreed to help basically everyone to "choregraph" the stages. It was just some walking around the stage for Chanyeol but they still had to make it look like a professional performance. Baekhyun would have a fixed mic on stage it was a bit of a cliche because Chanyeol was the rapper and Baekhyun was the singer. But they also figured that they needed to make it simple because they were not singing a love song like the rest of the school, and that was out of tradition. They were singing about pain and hope, distress and loss. It was unconventional. So they settled on cliche, traditonal and conventional stage.

 

 

"Dae, wow, congratulations. I can't believe you hit that high note !"

"Well, I wasn't sure I could hit it either when Minseok decided to put it there. I figured if I couldn't do it, he would. He's the one who wrote that part and he hits high notes almost as well as I do. He's amazing. And I'm going to marry that guy." Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol laughed at the wack their friend received on the head.

"Before assuming things, maybe you could actually ask me on real date." Jongdae was out of their sight in a second.

Their performance had been amazing. As was almost everyone's. They didn't understand why or how it had happened, but they were last to perform and that had made Chanyeol even more nervous. He had a hard time thinking about anything else but the nauseous feeling in his stomach. Baekhyun had grabbed his hand from the beggining of the show and never let go uness necessary. They had been backstage for twenty minutes now and only Jongin and Kyungsoo were left before them. They had already seen their performance a few days before because Kyungsoo was sure everyone was going to guess they were in a relationship. It had made Kyungsoo nervous. And Chanyeol had to agree with Baekhyun's best friend. Jongin being a dancer before anything else, Kyungsoo was the one singing most of the stage. But being a decent dancer himself, Kyungsoo had danced with Jongin. And, honestly, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had a hard time not getting hard by looking at them feeling the whole chemestry they were pulling off. But the teachers already knew about them two like the rest of the school and the agencies would never see past the good performance, thinking they were just in their characters.

And as expected, they were amazing. People had loved it and the whole gang had clapped and yelled their names so hard that the teachers had to ask them to keep it down because they could only hear them.

And it was finally Chanyeol and Baekhyun's time to shine. Everyone was worried about them two. They were two of the best students in the school, but going last was risky. People were tired and so were the people of the agencies. They were singing a depressing song, and they were both on edge. So when they stood on the dark and hot stage, curtain closed and people chattering behind it, Chanyeol felt like he was going to faint. But Baekhyun was still at his side. And he was not much better than him. So he took both his hands in his and pulled him in a tight hug. Chanyeol inhaled in the addictive scent of the man he had been living with for month. It soothed his mind, but not his heart. He was about to open to the whole school and suddenly he didn't know if he was ready to be a singer. They should have stick with a love song. But everything was pushed in the depth of his brain as Baekhyun leaned towards his ear.

"I love you." he whispered meaningfully.

His whole mind went blank. Baekhyun had told him that he loved him a month ago. When they went to Doctor Ong together the first time. But he had never said it again after that. He had taken him on four dates since and their relationship seemed less and less like a stupid thing to start to Chanyeol the more the time passed. The whole school already assumed they were together. So it almost already felt like they were together. And even if Chanyeol had not felt ready to be with Baekhyun, he felt how natural it was for them to be together. And right in this instant, on the stage just as the curtain was going to reveal the crowd, he felt he was finally ready.

 

I'm on the first floor and everything I can think about is to get on that last one.

Darkness surounds me but I can still see that light.

I've been thinking. Thinking about leaving.

Thinking about letting it go, but I'm still here, gathering my mind and trying to find a way out.

I'm on the second floor but I still have hope.

Hope to rip my heart out off of my chest because it hurts.

Hope to see the sun because I'm turning blind.

You see my smile, you hear my laughter.

But can you look at my broken soul, can you hear my heart screaming.

I pull my hair. I cry on my bed, and everything I can think about is that last floor.

 

Can someone give me what I need?

Can someone look at me?

Do you see me struggling with my darkness?

I have a monster scrapping at my chest,

Trying to take control and make me fall down

I keep on trying, I keep on walking and everything I can think about is that last floor.

 

Third floor and still we're crying.

When did I start become we, is there someone else with me?

I should be used to hurting but do we ever?

I should make my way downstairs and walk out of those door closing on my life.

I wonder everyday if I'm still going to be here tomorrow.

Why should I be when I can't even look at myself in the mirror

Because all I see is the dark monster residing in my brain.

I reach the fifth floor and I can only TRY drying my tears.

When did I start crying again, I was only feeling numb.

Was this the other part of the "we" starting to take control?

I see almost nothing here. I feel almost nothing here. Demons are catching up.

Monsters and demons are what makes my entire soul.

I've seen nothing of the world. I've had a perfect life.

So why am I thinking that way? Why can I only think about that last floor?

 

Can someone give me what I need?

Can someone look at me?

Do you see me struggling with my darkness?

I have a monster scrapping at my chest,

Trying to take control and make me fall down

I keep on trying, I keep on walking and everything I can think about is that last floor.

 

Today is my last day. Today is the day people will notice.

Today is the day I make history. Today is the only day I will complain.

Today is the only day I will allow myself to be selfish because I can't take it anymore.

This is the sixth floor and only a string keeping me from crossing the door leading outside.

Only a few seconds to tell everyone how I really feel.

Only a few seconds to show you tonight how much it hurts to not being able to tell my friends that I have been fake my whole life.

I can only see people judging me. How could they understand?

But do they know my parents were not here when I started walking?

That they were not with me on any of my birthdays.

That I have been living alone since I was twelve.

I can't talk. I can't sleep. But here I am today telling you all I've been through.

Because the only thing I can think about is that last floor I've finally reached.

 

Can someone give me what I need?

Can someone look at me?

Do you see me struggling with my darkness?

I have a monster scrapping at my chest,

Trying to take control and make me fall down

I keep on trying, I keep on walking and everything I can think about is that last floor.

This is my last goodbye. I've been enjoying a lot of moments in my life.

I've never felt loved for who I am, but this is my final goodbye, on that last floor.

Maybe if you reach out to me. Maybe if you grabe my hand.

Maybe I'll stop thinking, on that last floor.

 

Silence.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun didn't move an inch. Until they saw movement in the public. Someone standing up. Another, and soon everyone was up, clapping and yelling for the two boys on the stage, short breathed. They had to keep it in. They could smile, they bowed, Baekhyun's hand finding it's way to Chanyeol's so naturally. And when the curtain closed on them, leaving their teacher in front to thank everyone, Chanyeol turned to look at the boy he loved to finally look at the tears running down his cheeks. And the taller couldn't take it anymore.

"Chan..."

He didn't let Baekhyun finish his sentence. He didn't want to hear it. He shut him up with a long awaited kiss. It was slow. It was gentle. It was soft. And wet from the tears. But it was everything Chanyeol had already wished for. It was so magical. He forgot everything. Everything around them. Everything that had happened. The only thing that mattered was Baekhyun. Baekhyun's lips on his. Baekhyun's arms around his neck. Baekhyun's short breath as they kissed. Baekhyun's strawberry scent. His smaller frame fitting perfectly against his. Everything was about Baekhyun at that moment. And that Baekhyun was his everything. He needed him to keep going. Baekhyun was his strength. He needed Baekhyun. And only him. He wanted Baekhyun. And he almost regretted waiting so long to do this. But he wasn't ready before. Now he was. And this moment was perfect. They had shared the perfect stage together. They had shared their experience. They had shared too much in his life. They were teenagers and they needed each other. And Chanyeol needed this. He needed the love and he knew that nobody could ever love him as much as Baekhyun did right now. So he let himself go. He was going to be slefish and make Baekhyun go though his life with him fully. Baekhyun was going to love him and he was going to deal with his possessive and jealous self. But when Baekhyun opened his mouth, it was Chanyeol's eyes that opened. He pulled out of the kiss slowly, resting his front head on Baekhyun's.

"I love you too." He responded. Baekhyun's beautiful melodious laugh filled his ears as they pulled away from each other, remembering their surrouding.  They looked at each other, shy smiles on their flushed faces. Chanyeol face was feeling like it was on fire. He felt like a fourteen year old in front of his first crush. And he had every right. Because Baekhyun was his first crush, the first man he loved and the first boyfriend he had. Was he ? His boyfriend?

"Ok, so we let you two have your moment because you were last, but please come down from the stage now, thank you." They both looked at their teacher standing on the side of the stage, their friends were making knowing faces behind her. Chanyeol didn't know about Baekhyun but he felt his face flush again, a shade darker than it already was.

 

 

"So, Baekhyun, uh?" Chanyeol looked at his best friend walking beside him, and watched his significant other walking behind him with Jongin, Minseok and Kyungsoo, and smiled at the bright, different smile he was arboring as he talked animately with the three others.

"So, Minseok, uh?" Jongdae looked at him knowingly. Both of them laughed at their dorkiness.

"I'm happy it finally is happening. For the both of us. And I didn't have the time to tell you this, but we were all crying through your performance. It was very brave for you to put yourself out tonight. And if one of those companies don't contact either of you after that performance, I'm burning all my leopard print socks, because your two voices harmonised so beautifully I don't think I ever heard a better duet before." Chanyeol laughed again at his best friend's rant.

He was right. He was happy. He was genuinely happy. Things had been good lately. He was feeling great most of the time. He was not faking anything anymore and was still doing amazingly good at school. His parents were coming back a month from then and he was feeling anxious about that because he still had to tell them about everything. They had called only twice since he started living with Baekhyun and it pained him a little. But he was used to it, and he kind of already did his "grief" over his parents love. He knew he was an accident. He had always known and it was hard, but what could he do? They left him to live his life. He was pursuing his dream about becoming an Idole and it was the only thing that mattered to him. He had told the rest of his friends a week after he told Jongdae. There was a lot of yelling and crying, but both Jongdae and Baekhyun had stood by his side and his friends had shown their support in their own ways.

Chanyeol thought that Kyungsoo was the one who was the most affected by his condition. He had been quietly kind. Well, Kyungsoo was always quiet. But he had initiated a lot of friendly skinship and everybody knew that Kyungsoo hated skinship. He threw a fit everyday about Jongin being a thirsty bitch when the guy would ask two kisses in a row. But he took Chanyeol's hand a lot when he had the impression that the tall male needed comfort. He had brought him a lot of home made cupcakes and cookies and other sweets. Chanyeol was liking the attention, in a way. After all he knew Kyungsoo had had issues of some kind at some point in his life, because he was the one to give Doctor Ong's phone number. But it was making both their boyfriend and at the time, friend very jealous. So Chanyeol had a talk with him. Kyungsoo told Chanyeol that he had had anger issues, because of a self destroying persona. It had taken months of therapy, but even if he looked cold and angry most of the time now, he wasn't. It was just the way he was, and he was happy that Jongin could see pass his forrowed eye brows, because he loved him so much. It had brought Kyungsoo and Chanyeol come good relief to discuss about their personal feelings, they had started to make a thing out of it. Whenever they felt like it, they would go to a coffee and talk about their struggles. It helped Chanyeol a lot to talk about it with someone who had struggled a lot with his inner self as well. Even if he had not lived the same thing, it helped a lot. Doctor Ong told him that he was doing well. He had listened to him very well and was doing everything he had asked him. It was long. Chanyeol found it long. It had only been a month but it felt so much longer. He knew this therapy was going to take months, even years.

"Those lyrics, Yeol, they were simple but so real. I think you two are going to get the best grade out of everyone. I think Baekhyun's chorus was perfect. It showed his abilities and that was what teachers wanted. The both of you singing that last line got me hard. Your singing is beautiful as well. I always told you you should sing more often!" Jongdae continued.

"I just like rapping, and I thought that for this particular piece it would bring up the pain and violence more than me singing. Plus we really wanted Baekhyun to be singing to his full potential." He told his best friend.

"Well, you did very good. Hell, it was perfect even."

"You and Minseok were great. I'm kind of glad you and Kyungsoo and Jongin didn't go for sad love songs, because we had enough today. I think your song about blooming mature love was perfect for you two. As was this very passionate, love making song Kyungsoo and Jongin did. You were all perfect. I couldn't be more pride of you." Chanyeol said. He had learned to talk freely about his feelings and in that instant he didn't felt more proud about it. He was happy to finally be able to praise his best friend with his own, genuine words.

"We should go to a karaoke after diner tonight. I've been singing seriously for too many days. I need to release the stress." Jongdae turned around to tell the others his plan.

Chanyeol looked back as well. His eyes fell on Baekhyun who turned to look at him as well. He gave him a bright smile and approached him. 

"So, boyfriend, karaoke tonight? Didn't you sing enough yet?" The smaller asked jockingly.

Chanyeol laughed at his boyfriend and decided that this was a good time to take his hand. So he did. They had done that a thousand times. But it felt different. It was different.

"Well, boyfriend, it was Jongdae's idea!"

"Of course it was, he sings all day. An hour or two more doesn't make any difference." Baekhyun said.

They talked quietly as the other four discussed very loudly behind them. It didn't borther them. It never did. They liked it that way. They enjoyed their almost alone time as a couple for a few minutes. Until they arrived at the restaurant. All of them but Chanyeol gasped at the luxurious interior. Chanyeol had insisted on taking them somewhere nice and unfortunately the only "nice" places he knew were where his parents took him. He was going to pay for everyone's diner anyway. He didn't like being a rich kid everyday. But it had it's perks.

"Chanyeol, there's no way we are eating here, it's a freacking three stars restaurant !" Baekhyun whispered/shouted in his ear. Chanyeol only laughed at his smaller boyfriend, gripped his hand harder and led the way to the receptionist. He could hear his four friends talking excitingly behind them, Kyungsoo saying how Chanyeol was going to regret this. Chanyeol only smiled wider. It was the least he could do for his friends, to thank them for their support.

"Mister Park, you're here on time, it's a pleasure to see you, as always." The receptionist told the silvered haired teenager. Chanyeol knew her. She was the one who had a slight crush on him, even though his parents had made it clear to the entire nation that their son was gay, and they had no problem with that. She always tried to make a move on him.

"Jessica. Hello. Thank you for your service, as always." Chanyeol said in a straight, deep voice.

He saw her gaze follow Chanyeol's arm where it was attached to Baekhyun's between them, and saw her smile fall a bit. Chnayeol only gripped his boyfriend's hand tighter and smiled widder at her. She didn't utter another word, and just directed them to the VIP area and a private booth. His friends couldn't shut up about how much this would cost. Chanyeol let them shout at him. They were happy to be there, they knew it, he knew it, it was all just talk. They had a great meal. They laughed, they smiled, they shouted. Nobody cared. They were happy. Chanyeol was finally happy. He looked at the smaller man sitting next to him, laughing with his friends. Yes, Chanyeol was happy. He was not alone anymore. He was not lonely anymore. He was on his way back to reach ground floor, see the sun, and the moonlight. The road was going to be long, sinuous. But he was ready to face anything.

"Are you ok, handsome?" Baekhyun asked him, a bit concerned.

He looked at his friends, smiling. Then looked back at his now boyfriend.

"I'm fine. More than fine."

**Author's Note:**

> So..  
> I hope you had a good time reading this mess of a story.. I did not have the time to edit it, so there probably were a LOT of mistakes in here... I will come back to it when I have the time to do so.  
> I just want to say that if you are experiencing difficulties, struggles, blackouts, if you feel like something is wrong and you have the impression that you won't be able to get out of the mess that your life seems to be, you can always seek help. There are professionals who are here to help you, not to judge. I really want to emphasize on the fact that psychologists are not the only help you can find. I myself went to see a few psychologists who were not able to help me, but I went to hypno-therapy and I've seen some other guy (I can't remember the name sorry, it was difficult to remember in French and I can't even remember what it's called in FRENCH, but basically the guy asked questions to my body instead of my mind). Of course there are good psychologists as well ! My sister got through her own hardships with a therapist. But you have options. Just.. Don't stay in a corner and let your dark thoughts overwhelm you. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy.  
> That's all for me !  
> Have a nice day/night  
> Thank you for reading !  
> Until next time ~


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